El Firecaster

Fire from Within

A Secret (or maybe not…:/)

Posted By on June 14, 2011 in All, Tracked Daily | 2 comments

It is not very often that you and I are apart long enough that we have the opportunity to do something without the others’ knowledge. There were many things that I debated doing with my time…and they were all quite worthy endeavors, but finally I decided I would take a few moments to write to you, my prince. I know it is something I used to do all the time…and now that we are together every day, we think that those things are no longer needed. And that is true. There are so many other ways that we show our love to one another. But sometimes I think it is good for us to go back and revisit those times we shared before we were allowed to once again be as one. Working with the poses on the luggage brought back so many memories and feelings of a time NOT so long ago. A time of fear and uncertainty…a time of hope and love. And so…here it is….an entry into the TD. A “secret” to share…. through the eyes of “El”. I hope you enjoy it love….

For months she had wrestled with this. It was something that she KNEW had to be done…and even felt like it should be, in some respects, a time of joy for her. But from the first moment she heard of it, it had done nothing but leave a “rumbling” in her gut…and the sheer thought of it made her nauseous. It was unavoidable…and she knew it would happen sooner or later…she would HAVE to return “home”…and she knew…although she tried to fight it with everything within her, that she would have to go alone. This was one demon that he could not fight for her. And in many ways, he could not even fight it with her. The only thing he could do would be to hope that the love and tender care that he had lavished on her for the last few months would be enough to get her through it. She herself hoped that she had healed to the point that she could “handle” it and come back to him in one piece. The last few months that she had been made to deal with the fact that she would HAVE to be without him for several weeks had in and of itself almost injured her. How….HOW could she do this without him?

Never the less….the time came. She tried to put on a brave face, but she knew that he KNEW her, he could FEEL her…he WAS her…and there was no running away from it. She had almost hoped that he would just drop her off at the door of the airport and leave her there after an appropriate amount of hugging and kissing, leaving her, so that she could cry all the way to the plane. But she knew that he would never do that. And he didn’t. He was SO careful with her. She could feel it in his voice. The way he spoke to her…the way he touched her, guided her. He too was hurting.

The airport felt twice as large as it had the first time she had been there. But that was such a joyful time. The FIRST time she saw him face to face….the FIRST time she touched him….the FIRST time she kissed him in the elevator. Such HAPPY memories. And she tried to flood her mind with those as they walked what felt like MILES through the airport. And yet with every step she knew that it was just bringing her one step closer to having to say those words that she dreaded with all her heart…”Good bye”

She watched each sign that they passed and knew that it was coming closer and closer and all the time she wondered…would he kiss her….I mean REALLY kiss her? He was not one known for great public displays of affection, but he was not known to be against them. He was with them as he was with most things in his life, if the life and times called for it, then so be it. But if not, then no biggie…nothing lost…nothing to be concerned or worried about. And so she wondered. It was as though it became ALL she could think of. She WANTED to kiss him….she WANTED to hold him tight and NEVER let him go. She WANTED IT. But she would never ask for it. She would never expect it. And she had prepared herself not to be wounded if he chose not to do it here at the airport. She KNEW that he loved her. That was never a question.

When they finally reached the gate she looked at him…and try as she may, she could feel the tears starting to rise in her eyes. This was it. There was no turning back now. “It was something she HAD to do. And she COULD do it”…she kept telling herself over and over. She sat her bags down and let herself fall into his arms. She fit so well there. Her head fit just perfectly onto his shoulder. Her shoulder just under the arc of his arm, allowing him to wrap it fully around her and draw her into him, the same way they had done for centuries. There was no where else in the world that she would rather be, NO where in the world felt safer. And she knew that if one day, for some unforeseen reason that they should have to face some catastrophe together that would surely take their lives, that this would be it. This would be the last place on this earth that she would ever want to be…in his arms. He held her for a long time and she could feel the tears start to fall down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure she could let him go. She did not know if she could walk past that gate and get on that plane and fly out of his world, just as she had flown into it a few months earlier.

He let her cry for a few moments and she reached up to dry her tears with one of the many kleenex that she had already soaked through, when he pulled her back gently, lifted her mouth to his and gently and sweetly kissed her. She felt as though her heart would stop at that very moment. And if it had, she would have died a happy woman. He reached up and gently caressed her face the way he always had at home, rubbing the side of her cheek gently, before lifting her lips to his again, tenderly parting them with his tongue. Kissing her the way a man does a woman that he loves with all his heart. She could no longer hear the noise in the airport. There was no loud overhead announcements, no screaming children, no sounds of cash registers opening and closing…nothing. She could smell the sweet smell of his aftershave. She could hear the sound of his leather jacket as his arm moved her to and fro in a lovers embrace. She felt his soft tongue against hers as she tasted him once more and allowed her quivering body to draw in a deep breath, drawing him into her as deeply as she possibly could. When their lips parted, and the two individuals that had for a brief moment in time been united as one in the lobby of that huge airport, were once again separate, she laid her head against his chest and sobbed.

He ran his hand through her soft hair gently caressing her head, until she finally composed herself and made a feeble attempt at drying her eyes. She looked up at him, thinking to herself what a MESS she must look. And he ran his hand along the side of her cheek “It won’t be long, love. You will be home soon…I love you.” She looked up at him nodding, trying to PRETEND she was brave. “I know. I know. I love you too, baby”she choked through her cracked voice and bleary eyes. He waited a moment before he ever so gently guided her in the direction she should go to pass through the last gate. She was almost looking forward to it. Maybe she could show them her ID one last time and then run past that wall that would separate her from her lover for what seemed like forever!

“Good bye, love” she said trying to put a smile on her face. “Good bye.” he said, much the way he would if he were saying it to a client on the phone. And with that she felt him leave her side and she turned her back to him and walked away to the last person to check her ID. She gave it to them and truly felt as though she were going to throw up. She could feel her body start to tremble and she wondered if she would have the strength to walk past those walls. But once the ID was placed back in her hand she took off and TRIED to look strong and confident, hoping that he could see that she was alright….IF he was still looking. “He SHOULD be gone by now”she thought as she looked at the wall…the WALL….just keep your eyes on the wall and once you are on the other side of the wall it won’t matter. He won’t be able to see you. He won’t be able to help you. He will be long gone. And you can cry to your hearts content and it won’t matter. There is nothing that can be done.

She focused on that white wall just walking almost aimlessly towards it, but just as she got to the exit, she noticed one LAST “guard” that she must show her ID to. There were two of them sitting in the cubicle and they did not speak much english. They never smiled, never really looked you in the eye. They looked harsh and unforgiving. She immediately felt alone and vulnerable and almost without thinking she looked to the last place that had given her comfort.

As soon as she had done it she wished that she had not, but there…in the corner of her vision, almost out of sight, stood the familiar figure that had changed her life and captured her heart just a few months before. She could see him watching her…and knew that he would have NEVER left until he was completely sure that she had made it safely on the other side of the wall, out of his reach. She felt the passport being shoved back into her hand and heard the guard motion for her to move through the exit. She stood there for a moment her entire body trembling. She truly was not sure if she could go through there…and she knew all she would have to do was turn around and he would be there. He would be waiting for her. GOD…..how badly she wanted to do that. Just to run back into the safety of his arms once again. But she did not DARE look back. It would strike down every last ounce of resolve that she had. And so she took the passport, stowed it away for safe keeping and taking a deep breath she took the first step that led her through the exit and through to the other side.

She knew once she was past the wall, she could break down, she could cry, she could fall to the floor, she could do anything she pleased and he would not be there to see how weak and pathetic she was. But a funny thing happened. With each step she took, she could hear his voice grow clearer and louder “It won’t be long, love. You will be home soon. I love you.” And she knew that was all she needed. She knew that she would hear those words every moment of every day that they were separated until she would be safe in his arms once again.






  1. Ayako Firecaster June 15, 2011

    Wow what a powerful and moving post! Reminds me of the first time I left Therathe. It sucks – that feeling of walking away from the one you love and your heart in pieces all over the floor but desperately trying to hold it together.

    • El June 16, 2011

      Thanks Aya. I am glad you enjoyed it. It is from the “TD” which is something I started about a year ago. I used to write DAILY l”ove letters” to V when we were apart. It was so hard for me to be away from him….and I would use that time to write something that I put in my sl PROFILE and one day V said that they were to beautiful to just “throw away” each day. So I started the TD here on TGIB…:) They are usually just mushy stories…or things that mean nothing to anyone really, but me…LOL But I am glad you liked it. It really means a LOT to me. Thanks again.

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