(WARNING: This post is somewhat of a personal nature and is rather long.  If you just want to scroll down and look at the style notes, I promise I won’t be offended…:)  If, on the other hand, you are one of the brave who would dare to take a few moments to look inside the mostly confused and tangled mess of thoughts and feelings that seem to guide me on a daily basis….then read on.  But don’t say you weren’t warned! <smiles>)

It had been a hard week for El….no really….a HARD week. She knew that she often complained about her “hard weeks” and so she felt like she should try to complain less and be more positive….but this one really WAS a hard week. She looked through her inventory and tried on the outfit she had bought for “Ruby” one MORE time. It was cute….no not really cute…it was sexy. And normally El was ALL about being sexy….all the time. But today…there was not a sexy bone in her body. She had planned on using the new prop she had gotten from .:Stance:.and she was going to show off “Ruby” in leather, satin and lace. But no matter how hard she tried, she could not do it. She began to look through her Note Cards….looking for the good bargains, of course. She did not really want to take and/or edit any pictures at all. Maybe some mindless shopping would help.

She came across a Note Card for a place that she had never heard of before…Studio Sidhe….and they had a really cute summer hat that was filled with poses. And even though it was a hunt, the creator had had MERCY on poor hunters, such as herself and put it right out in plain view, where it could be seen by all. “God Bless this creator!” El thought as she opened the pictures of the poses. She had often wondered if creators REALLY wanted people to wear/use their creations when they would hide them in places that only the FBI could find…..ok….not the FBI…they would never find them either….but in a place that only a 4 year old could find!

The poses looked really cute and they made El feel like maybe….just MAYBE life could be “normal” again….whatever that was. You see, she had been awakened in the wee hours over the weekend with a phone call from her youngest child. And she could tell the minute she heard her voice that it was not going to be good; it had that mixture of excitement, tears and sadness that could ONLY mean “grief”. “Mom….what are you doing, mom?” She could hear the tears as her sweet baby spoke and knew that she was trying to hold them back. “I was asleep baby….what’s up….what’s wrong?” She asked hurriedly…praying that it was not as bad as it already sounded. “Mom….XXXX is dead!” The moment she said it El felt like she had been slapped and her breath had been taken away. XXXX was the 17 year old nephew of her “ex’s” family….and he was loved and adored by all, including El. She could hear her sweet baby girl sobbing in the background and she KNEW that she needed to say something “motherly”…something to comfort her baby…something dripping with wisdom and empathy….and all she could manage to whisper was “OH F***!!!!” Not very sympathetic words. “Yeah mom….(his older half brother and sister) had talked him into going into a bar…they got him in….and then they got in a fight…and everyone heard gunshots and when they ran back into the club, they found him laying on the floor, shot in the head!! And (his sister’s Ex) running out of the club with a gun!” It was the very scenario that El had imagined over and over in her head for her own son, before he enlisted in the army and “grew up”. And now it had really happened….to someone she loved. And the tears started to flow down her face. She tried to hide them…tried to sound “strong” for her daughter as she told her to call her back when she found out more details. But as soon as she hung up she began to sob…big wailing sobs…as she gasped for air and tried to IMAGINE the unspeakable pain his mother must be feeling.

Death was something that El had never handled very well. Even if she did not know the person who had died, she seemed to take on the grief that everyone around her was emitting. She had tried not to….had tried to be “cold” and “hard”….but could not and would eventually grieve to the point of making herself sick. It was no different this time. But there was something that WAS….and it was the love and comfort that was freely given and offered to her from V as she grieved. It was odd to her. She was used to crawling off to a virtual corner and crying until she could no longer cry. She was alone…as she was most of the time…dreaming of “him”….the “other”. And now she no longer had to dream that dream…it was real! He existed! And he loved her. Of this, she was sure.

The days would drag on. And the same technology that had finally reunited her with the man of her dreams, afforded her a front row seat to the daily pain and grief that was affecting not only her family, but an entire town! The very next day a memorial page had been set up on Facebook and had over 1300 people listing it as being “liked” and had commented on it. She saw the things that people said…mostly young men and women that had known him….and loved him too. It was hard for them as well, you could tell they were trying to understand how they could live in a world that would let you care for someone SO deeply….go running with him one morning…and wake the next one to find that he was gone….forever.

El looked through her inventory one more time…swearing that there was a “Ruby” dress and hat that she had seen just the day before. And even though she went through her ENTIRE inventory ONE ITEM AT A TIME….she found nothing. UNTIL she came across this one simple set from Lemania’s. It was just jeans with a T-shirt and matching sweater, but it looked comfortable…and familiar; two things that brought her great comfort right now. The outfit even came with some brown summer sandals, but she preferred the ballet flats that she had bought from !Duh!….that had the gold roses at the front of them.

Hair was simple. Something that didn’t have too many layers or curls that would get in the way of the hat that she had picked up from the “hunt”. So she chose a cute little blonde number from ChiChickie!  And the skin was also simple and familiar…one that she had worn a couple of times before from Siss Boom. The dimples on it were just precious, giving her the real feeling of smiling without having to “show teeth”…something that she personally found creepy.

As she began to run through the poses that came with the hat she started to feel some better. Perhaps she could do this after all. Perhaps she could be “fun” and save “sexy” for next week? The hat was really cute and she needed some “cute” jewelry to go with it. Ear Candy. There was nothing else that needed to be said…and a smile came to her face as she thought of how nice the creator of Ear Candy was…..

Nails….she needed “cute” nails for this. Nothing fancy, but something cute. And then she remembered that “darling little set of plaid nails called “Ribbons” from Risa’s. Yes……they were perfect!

And the eyelashes….these used to be the ONLY eyelashes El ever wore…and then she began to add more and more…until finally she could barely find these Lelutka lashes in her eyelash folder anymore.

Once she was fully dressed, she needed a place to go….Wandersill….wasn’t that the name of it? Her mind drifted back to earlier times when her precious husband had agreed to come to this “girly” place she had found earlier…which usually meant lots of flowers….and dancing. He agreed to placate her…and when he arrived he surprisingly found himself on a sim dedicated to one of his favorite jewelers. A smile came across El’s face as she looked up the LM stored away in “My favorite places” tab of her inventory. A click of the button…and she was off.

She knew she was in trouble when she began to fall. Looking up to the land info, she noticed that the name was slightly different. It was still called Wandersill and there were still plenty of flowers, but instead of roses they were blue pansies. She felt a pang of sadness start to come over her as she had remembered dancing in the roses with her love. But she started to look at the beautiful blue color of the flowers and in the distance she could see a couple dancing as she had once danced before.

She panned out and began to look around and it did not take long before she found herself running to the gazebo! She LOVED gazebos…and this one had beautiful rays of light pouring through it. She stopped there for a few moments and closed her eyes…letting the sunlight stream down on her face before she opened her eyes and took off for the brightly lit flowers in the distance. It was as though you could actually FEEL the warmth radiating from them.

She looked out over the grounds and found a house….and a kind of a stable. It was different from the one that she and V had found many months before. They had waited till no one was around to sneak up to the top of the stable and lay down in the soft hay, entwined in each others arms. He had kissed her tenderly and it was not long before she found her body engulfed in his sweet embrace and her mind lost in the taste of his lips against hers.

Once again…that sharp stab of pain for things cherished and now gone. Life seemed so fragile to her at the moment. Virtual life…real life…it made no difference…it was all so fleeting and she felt a tear fall down her cheek as she realized that she and her precious V would never again sneak up to the top of the stables and make love in the middle of the day.

She walked close to the edge and remembered following her prince down the side of the cliff to the area below. And as she panned out, she saw once again that the shop that had been at the bottom of the cliffs was gone…the house with the rocking horse was gone…all gone……….g-o-n-e.

She could barely see now through the tears clouding her gaze, when suddenly she saw a glimpse of something glowing in a field below the waterfall. Panning out a little farther and camming down she saw the unmistakable outline of a wedding party. It was quite simple….just a bride in a white dress with beautiful glowy wings, her groom in a lovely dark suit, with his hair pulled back (but refusing to take out his piercings)and someone whom she assumed was a “pastor”-type. He appeared to have a book in his hand and looked as though he was reading from it. That was it. No large wedding party…no bouquets of flowers or matching bridesmaid dresses. Not even any guests! Just these three lovely avis…celebrating the love that brought them together and a lurker watching it all. Occasionally El would see the bride nod her head and could imagine her saying “I do” or having just completed some beautiful paragraph of text telling her soon-to-be-husband of her love.

El didn’t know these individuals. Couldn’t even tell you their names. She didn’t look at their profiles. And they were most likely totally unaware of an avi with an aching heart watching them from afar, as they celebrated their love. El didn’t watch them for very long, feeling like they needed their privacy. But there was something about those few moments that was a turning point for her. She had “grieved” most of the week. She had been in a “bad mood”, sometimes barely talking to those around her and had spent most of her waking hours crying or trying to console other members of her family that were also grieving. So many seemed to depend on her.

The changes at “Wandersill” had caught her off guard and made her feel like even there….even in the precious virtual world that had eventually brought her to her true real-life love….even there….was change and loss and the knowledge that some things are gone forever. But when she saw the couple at the end of the waterfall, quietly committing themselves to one another, it brought back to her remembrance that SOME things never change. There was a time not too long ago that she and V had shared quiet, intimate moments at “Wandersill”. Was it a coincidence that she had stumbled upon lovers doing the same thing now? The surroundings were slightly different, yes, but the love was still the same.

Some things in her RL were tough right now. Things had changed. She was sad….she was grieving. But some things were the same. Some things never changed. Just as she was a hidden witness to the love that two people were sharing that day, she had was also been a hidden witness to the 1300 young men and women that had taken the time to speak out on the behalf of a wonderful young man. He was loved by many and had touched many lives. THAT would never change. THAT was eternal and could not be taken or changed even though a precious gem had been taken from us.

She closed her eyes and let her weary mind rest for a few moments….let it drift off to a better world as she said spoke to the precious spirit that had once graced her life…”So to you my sweet nephew, thank you for the love you shared with with me. Thank you for the lives you touched during your brief stay here. And until we meet again….may you rest in peace.”

STYLE NOTES:
Outfit (top, sweater, jeans):Lemania’s
Hair:ChiChickie
Skin:Siss Boom
Jewelry: Ear Candy
Hat (with poses):Studio Sidhe
Shoes:!Duh!
Nails:Risa’s (to the best of my knowledge, Risa’s store is gone, but may be back as some point in the future.)
Lashes:Lelutka’s
Eyes: L. Fauna