El Firecaster

Fire from Within

Another One Down…

Posted By on December 31, 2010 in All, Tracked Daily | 0 comments

And so here we are…the last day of the year. What a year it has been, no? It has been full of twists and turns….so much has happened. It seems like an eternity…and yet like just yesterday. I looked back at the logs trying to see the way things “felt” a year ago…and some of them were hard to follow. It appears that even then we had started to use skype more than we did SL…and so our conversations are kind of choppy and disconnected…because as usual…I was typing…and you were talking!

I remember feeling so alone a year ago. My life had been turned upside down and I felt like I was completely shaken….everything I had ever known had been done away with…changed…or at the very least questioned. I did not know if I would ever fully recover and I remember feeling like I would have to make a new life…on my own…alone….not unlike many other women I have known. But still, a prospect to which I was not looking forward. It was quite overwhelming; almost more than I could handle at the time.

I did not know that I would be here only a year later. I knew that you would always love me…of that I was always sure. And I knew that I would always love you. I did not know if we would ever have more than what we had at that moment…but I knew that even with just that…it was still more than what most people had in an entire lifetime. And so I had reconciled myself to be happy with what I had…and to love….against all odds…the only way possible at the time.

I sit here now…just a few feet from you as I type this. I can hear you quietly moving around…typing and clicking away. If I stop and think about it, I can still remember what you smelled like as I buried my head in your chest just a few moments ago. I can still feel the softness of your lips against mine, your large hands and long arms wrapped around my body holding me tight. ALL of these…things that I thought we would never have…never experience in a real world. I had resigned myself to loving in a virtual world…and to find a way to be happy and fulfilled with that. And here I am, having ALL the things I longed for the most. So why is it that at times that it almost seems harder? I seem to have SO much trouble expressing myself with verbal words and statements…and I feel silly when I sit here and type all the things that I KNOW I should be SAYING to you.

Honestly, I do not know if it will ever get any easier for me. I always considered myself to be someone who had no trouble communicating my thoughts and feelings. And so now, I have to stop and ask myself if it was always this way…or if the things that have happened to me in the last 30 years of my life somehow changed that. Did I learn how to hide my true feelings and desires in an attempt to make things better or to be someone that I was not? I don’t know. I know that you want me to be able to TELL you all the things that are deep inside me…and I desperately want to…but I just cannot seem to find the words or the way to say it so that it makes sense. I feel like anytime I try…the words just come out all wrong and I just end up making the BIGGEST mess of things. You may have to be patient with me a while still, love. Can you give me that? I NEED to be able to “talk” to you in a place that is safe and easy for me…and for now, that may still be in a world away from the real world that we now share. I will try to do better…and I hope as time passes that I will learn how to be ME in every world that I inhabit. It has just been so long, love….SO long…..Please don’t think that the efforts that you make to draw me out…or to comfort me are for naught. I HEAR the things you say to me. Every time you call me “El”…I hear it…I remember it. And it helps me to put things in perspective. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and of who and what we are. Please…don’t stop. It is the ONE thing that I can put my finger on…it is sometimes the ONLY thing I hear inside my head. Sometimes…it is the ONLY things that makes sense. Please remember that I NEED that. It helps me to heal.

SO…as this year draws to an end, the main things that I wish to tell you are the same that I have been saying for quite some time now.

I LOVE YOU. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in all my life. I love you with a love that will not be quieted. I love you with a want and a need that courses through ever fiber of my being. When my head hits my pillow at night, it is YOUR face I see…and when I awaken it is your arms that I long for. It is the love that I have always wanted to give. It is the one thing for which I was created. I hope I can do it justice.

PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME.  I am so grateful that you are a patient man by nature.  I am also grateful that you have a natural tendency to see things as they CAN be…as well as what they are at the moment.  I am changing and growing in ways that I did not know I could still do.  There are many, many things that are still new to me…on a DAILY basis.  I am trying to assimilate it all.  I am trying to change.  I am trying to learn.  I want to understand it all.  But sometimes I do not do a very good job of it.  Sometimes I do not understand WHY things are the way they are…or WHY they need to change.  Sometimes I am just not capable yet of being what I know I need to be.  I have not given up.  I simply can only handle SO much at one time.  So if you see me quiet…or alone at times…it may just be that I need that time to recoup.  I need a moment or two to take another breath and say “OK…let’s try this again….or lets do this differently”  I am not trying to be difficult.  I am not giving up.  I am not diving into a sinkhole.  I am simply resting for a moment.  I will be ok.  Just hold me tight…remind me of who I am…and let me know that you appreciate my attempts…even when I fail at them…and I will be able to go on and adjust and grow as needed.

I LOVE MY LIFE WITH YOU…in ANY world. It is sometimes a difficult one. It is not always the way I would want it to be. But it is a life that I would never willingly leave or change. I am sometimes still figuring it out, trying to figure out where I fit in all of it. But it is a good life. I am happy. I am well cared for. I am loved in more ways than I ever imagined. I am secure and I am safe. Thank you, love for giving me all these things…it is OUR life. It is a life that we CHOOSE to keep living over and over again so that we can be together. We were not meant to be alone. Sometimes I find it odd to think of what loners we are. We are both perfectly content to let the outside world go on without us, and yet…we NEED one another. I never want to be without you love….ever or anywhere.

SO…as I look forward to the next year…I look forward to great adventures with you, my prince. I love to see the twinkle in your eyes and the excitement in your voice as you talk about pioneering new worlds. My dreams are often spent in new adventures with you. I will be there with you, love. Where ever you go…whatever you do. I was truly created to be your partner. I was made to be at your side. I am excited to see where this next year will lead us…and for what the future holds for us.

You are now…and will always be…my one great love…immer…..D

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