This is not a writing for the TD. It is not a sonnet or love song declaring my undying devotion to my precious husband. And so I have chosen to place it under “Ramblings”. And that is just what it is…a rambling of all the things that are swirling around in my head at the moment. I have struggled for 2 days to get these thoughts OUT of my head…and they just would not seem to go of their own accord…and so I have decided to write them down…and bid them farewell, in an effort to cleanse my mind once more. I know that some of you that subscribe to the blog will get this in your inbox and wonder…WTF??? So to those…I apologize. To the ones that choose to read the rest of this post, it will give you a tiny insight into me…my personal life….some of the things that led up to “El and V”….and the TD. Please feel free to hurriedly move it to the “trash” bin if you please…but if…there is anyone out there that finds themselves in similar circumstances…please know that MY heart bleeds for you and that I feel your pain….and those are not just over used words. I truly mean them…more than you can know. You are some of the most courageous women (and on occasion men) that I know. I have no answers…no real advice…no wonderful words of wisdom…just a few tears…a commiseration, if you will and a knowledge that you can indeed live IN and LOVE Wonderland! And so it begins…my Ode to the Queen(s) of Hearts.

It has been well over a year ago since I started my journey down the rabbit’s hole. I did not even have any idea that I was actually falling into one at the time…but I was…and I did…and while it has been some of the hardest things I have ever had to do….it has…in the end…been the most rewarding and exciting time of my life.

I recently learned of a dear friend of mine that is finding herself in a similar situation. I call her a dear friend….when in fact she was really more of an acquaintance. We did not have coffee together on every Saturday and tell each other of our pain and woes. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times we have even had a meaningful conversation together. But there was just a kindred spirit about us. Something that we could see when we would look in each others eyes. Something that you could “feel” when you would…on the rare occasion, hug each other good by. We were both about the same age…had grew up and married (a couple of times) in the same area of the country. We both had children and had been married about the same amount of time. We had both been vibrant, creative young adults. We had both raised children and both been a respectable part of the work force. We had both been respected in the community and yet had cried a river of tears alone in our beds at night.

Somewhere along the way…we lost ourselves. Everything that we loved and cared for…everything that once mattered…seemed to slip away. We found ourselves alone and isolated…no longer willing or able to fight any longer. I remember hearing once that my friend had gotten to the point that she was afraid to be out in public any longer. She feared driving…and had actually forgotten how to interact with the public. She was a prisoner in her own home…in her own mind. I remember feeling terribly sorry for her and wondering how such a thing could happen to someone? Little did I know…that in a few years, I too would be walking in her shoes and feeling her desperation.

There were a couple of important differences between us. She still had small children she was raising…and she had no computer…no internet. I have never been one to advocate “losing” oneself in drugs or alcohol. I have seen the first hand results of what that can do…and it is never pretty. I KNOW that it is NOT good to avoid reality and pretend that things are not as they really are. But in all honesty, it was in that frame of mind that I found myself when I created El. I am NOT advocating such behavior. I can hear some of you right now…looking down your nose at me as you say “tsk tsk”…and telling me yet once again of the dangers of such aberrant behavior. And all I can say is…you are right…I cannot argue the point…but it was the only thing that saved my sanity and ultimately ME at the time.

El lived in a beautiful world where things were perfect and uncomplicated. She herself was what I perceived as being beautiful. And in this perfect world she could move and interact with people from all over the world, who thought and acted differently from anyone she knew. El was hated by my real life husband and family. Perhaps they were like some of you and thought she was a “perversion”…a figment of my imagination…and imagination was NEVER good. Or perhaps on some level they felt threatened by her. Perhaps they could FEEL the power that she possessed and wanted it squelched. After all, she not only had the power to change ME, she possessed the power to change THEIR perfect world as well. And in that respect, she truly was a threat.

THEY told me to leave things as they were…to be happy with what I had. THEY told me that I was doing the right thing…and that even if I was terribly unhappy now, that I would someday have an unbelievable reward for having been so unhappy and self sacrificing here on this earth. THEY liked me the way I was…and liked the way their world revolved around me…and all the time it was spinning so fast that all I could do was close my eyes and hope to god that I did not throw up. It did not matter to anyone that I was terribly unhappy. It did not matter that I was a prisoner in my own home. It did not matter that my life was threatened. It did not matter that I was verbally abused and physically beaten. It did not matter that I felt worthless and wanted my life to end. It did not matter that I just could NOT do it anymore….it did not matter. Most of the world thought I was just fine. They did not know the torture that ensued in my mind…they did not know the chaos that ruled my home. The few that did know, either pitied me, LIKED the way things were or looked away, for lack of knowing what else to do.

It was in SL that I did find a few people that did NOT see things that way…they saw them quite differently actually. Some of the things they began to say made sense…and for the first time in a very long time…I could see a glimmer…the TINIEST little spark…of blessed hope. My SL sister sat and listened to me for hours on end as I cried and told her of the way things were in my home. She was never judgmental…she never pushed me…she never told me what to do. She was SO supportive in whatever path I chose to walk, even when it was NOT the one she would have chosen or the one she thought was best for me. She tried to find the good in all the things I was doing and did her very best to boost my languishing self esteem. She made me see that I still had something to offer. She made me believe that it COULD be different. And when the time came…that I finally decided that I could no longer live my life as it was…it was HER arms that greeted me at the airport and gave me shelter. SHE took on my burdens so that I could find my way to a new life.

I KNOW there are a lot of weirdos in SL…I KNOW that it can be dangerous to share your RL with virtual people…but I thank God DAILY for her. I TRULY feel that He led me to her. She too has fallen on hard times…her own “hell” that she must walk through. I had hoped that I could return the favor…and find someway to help her through it, as she did for me. Unfortunately, I was not able to do that. But I pray daily that she will find her way through it, to a brighter path. And that IF there is a particular person that has the answers, or is the one that is meant to pull her through it, that she will find them soon…and that they will be able to tell their own story someday.

Most of you know that it was not long after this that V crossed my path. What a glorious wonder! I never in all my days dreamt that someone like him would come along. I had long ago given up on that. He was nothing more than a distant memory of a beautiful dream dreamt by a silly girl. One that had “grown up” and had learned that dreams never did come true…and that her life would be better served if she let such silly imaginations go…and lived in the “real world”.

I have often wondered when he met me if he EVER thought that it would turn out as it has. All I know is that he loved me. He loved me the way no one has EVER loved me…he loved me FIRST. I was important to him. What I needed and wanted and THOUGHT was important to him, important enough to sacrifice for it. Important enough to reach across the miles and across the waters…and touch me. Important enough to bring me home to him….where I belong.

I have no idea what FINALLY motivated my friend to jump down the rabbit’s hole. I have no clue as to the friends and family that may have helped her. I have no way of knowing how she felt when she found out that I had left…and had finally found a way to be free. I feel fairly certain that she had no internet to support her…no way to look for resources or no outside ideas to put her life in perspective. I am not sure how she did it. But I DO know…that it is quite probably the hardest thing she has ever done. I know that she will question herself over and over again as to whether or not she has done the right thing. All “the firsts” will bring new pain and heartache…the first Christmas away from “home”…the first birthday alone…the first Mother’s Day away from her grown children. I know that many nights she will lay by herself and wonder WHY it had to be this way. WHY she spent the majority of her adult life giving of herself to others that just did not seem to care. And she will ask herself why she allowed it. What was it inside herself that would let her give to others, to be used by them, to the point of her own destruction. She will hold the phone close to her heart and shed new tears after talking to her grown children and hearing the pain in their own voices as they tell her how much they miss her. And she will feel the shame in her spirit when others, thinking that they know what is best, tell her how terrible she is for having left…and that she needs to go back and be reconciled. And I know that she will look in her young children’s eyes and see the hurt and questions when she tries to explain to them why she did what she did and that things CANNOT be the same anymore, hoping with all her heart that this will not scar them for life…anymore than they have already been scarred.

To the best of my knowledge, she will never read this. She will never know about El…and most probably will never hear of a virtual world. Someday she may see something about it on the TV or her kids may talk about it as they get older and she will laugh at how silly it is. It is my hope that she will learn once again how to flourish in society. I pray that she will learn that she CAN make a difference here once again. May she remember who she once was and walk through the pain and darkness to find that young girl once more. It is NOT too late. And maybe…just maybe…one day she will be sitting down at her kids computer, searching for some random something or other and her eyes will come across this post…and she will recognize the voice of an old friend telling her…”You can do it! ALL of the stories always talk about going home…but what they fail to tell you is that “home” is not always what it seems to be. We think that it is the place that we have spent the most time…the place that we are familiar with…when in fact…your home may have always been in the rabbit’s hole…and you have been gone so long you forgot it! You don’t HAVE to go back “home”. You CAN fall down the rabbit’s hole…and find out that life is pretty good there. You can even learn how to live well there. And in time…after some healing from some of the magical wizards that live there, you will come to find out…that YOU can rule there…maybe you were BORN to do that! Maybe you will even come to believe that you came from there…and have NOW returned to the place you have always belonged…..HOME…the REAL home. It can be good. And even though it has taken a long time to get here…it is not to late to heal…and mend….and rule as the Queen of Hearts.

Good luck my dear friend….El