El Firecaster

Fire from Within

Flawed Logic

Posted By on September 16, 2010 in All, Tracked Daily | 0 comments

I have taken to writing the TD while you are at work, since most of our “down time” is spent together and I am not able to “sneak” anything past you. NOT that I mind in the least that my every spare moment is spent with you! There is NOTHING that I want more. I guess that just means I will have to get better at TELLING you what is going on inside me rather than writing it down. I wonder if that is EVER going to happen?

You know…I often try to pinpoint a time that I started internalizing things…and I cannot for the life of me figure it out. I remember after the birth of my last child, I went to the Dr. and sat in his office 6 weeks later and cried, remembering how AWFUL I felt the labor had been. The Dr. looked at me with a great degree of puzzlement on his face and said “I had NO idea you felt that way. You never said anything…and I felt like the labor was progressing well…I have seen much worse…you should have said something!” And I just looked at him through my tears and thought “NO…I would have NEVER said anything” And I still cannot tell you why. I know the events of my recent past did not help any, but I cannot blame it all on that. I truly think it is just a learned behavior. I LEARNED to find ways to cope and soothe myself. I never expected anyone else to do it for me…or to help me with it for that matter. It was MY cross to bear and I did not expect anyone else to pick it up. It was not that my mother did not try when I was small. But she learned that I was a “touch me not” and could find ways to “fix it” myself that were quite satisfactory. And so she let me….be me, not knowing what else to do. And then of course, I went on to be in a couple of relationships where they were only TOO glad to let me fix things myself…and fix a few for them too if possible.

And now….well now…there is you….and you are SOOO different. I sometimes forget that you REALLY care…and really want to help…and quite often can. It is hard for me, love. It is hard to tell you when I am hurting or ill or unhappy. I want things to be so good for you…I feel like you deserve the very best and it hurts ME if I feel like I cannot give that to you. I KNOW this is a flawed logic. I am just not sure how to change it. I CAN promise you that I will try. Never in my adult life have I had anyone as good to me as you are love. I have never KNOWN what it feels like to be loved the way you love me…and I don’t want to do ANYTHING to jeopardize that. SO….I will try. I will make an effort to be AWARE of what I am feeling AND in sharing it. I will do the best I can so that you will not have to wonder and always be worried about me…I can only imagine how disconcerting that would be…and I DO NOT want to put you through that.

Everyday that I am with you, I feel more comfortable in doing that. When you look at me and tell me that I am EXACTLY as you wanted me to be, it reassures me and makes me feel comfortable in everything I do. I can trust you! I would have never thought that at this stage in my life that I would be learning and growing so much, but then again…I always DID seem to do things back asswards. Thank you SO much for loving me enough to bring me into your world. I only hope you can be patient with me while I learn to live in it.

I am FOREVER your adoring, loving and TRUSTING wife…….D

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