Oh love. It was especially hard for me to leave you tonight. I wanted SO badly to curl up in your arms and never leave. I still find myself crying if I think about it long enough. I would never MEAN to push you away. You HAVE to know, love…that would never be my intent. And you are right, the thought of it is almost more than I can bear. Sometimes the hurt comes over me like that…and I was told that was a good thing…that it is my heart’s way of making sure that I don’t allow myself to go back to such a thing…but for some reason it does not feel very good. I would NEVER, EVER wish that pain on anyone, least of all the person I love most in the world.

You are my husband…and I know you find this hard to believe…but you are the person I trust most in this world and love more than my own life. I suppose that is why it is SO hard for me to think that I have disappointed you or made you unhappy. There is nothing I love more than hearing your voice or seeing your face. Your voice truly lights up my day. I play every little nuance over and over in my head….and your face…is all I see. I remember your beautiful brown eyes and your smile. NOTHING is lost on me, love. When I think…that you really WANT to see me and hear me like that too….you will never know what it does to me. SO much has changed and transpired over the last 9 months. I remember thinking at one point in time, that you would never ask to speak to me…and now…it is a wanted and frequent occurrence. Forgive me, love if I have taken it for granted. You are so kind and gentle with me. You truly treat me like a Queen. You are everything I have ever longed for and the kind of man every woman should have.

I covet you, love that you seem so fearless. I know there must be SOMETHING that you fear…I just have yet to find it. Fear is something I have always hated and tried so hard to teach everyone around me not to be and not to let it have a hold in their lives. Little did I know, that it had a stronghold in mine. I HATE it. It defies everything I stand for and sometimes I feel like it looks at me and laughs in my face, knowing that it holds me in its clutches. Just about the time I think I have made some progress and are starting to walk out of it, I find myself still firmly in its grip. I guess I should be glad that at least I recognize it now. I know you can’t do anything until you acknowledge what it is that actually has a hold on you, so I am grateful that I can at LEAST see it now. But oh, how I hope for the day that it no longer has a hold on me…that I CAN walk out of it with my head held high and be proud of who I am and what I am and not be…afraid.

Thank you, love….for being so patient with me. You ARE a patient man. I am grateful. It is my prayer that I never take that patience for granted and that I always keep in mind that even the most patient of people will finally give up when they realize a battle cannot be won. May it be that ALL your battles are won, love.

Forever….your adoring wife and personal…:)…slave….D