She hated that their last good-bye had been hurried. She constantly seemed to make a big deal out of them. She often wondered if he tired of the “ritual”, but it did always seem to bring her comfort. She had always hated good-byes more than anything in the world. Even as a child they had been difficult for her. When distant family members would come to visit she would be SO glad to see them, but could hardly enjoy the visit for knowing that there was a good-bye coming. She would walk outside with her parents and wave as she smiled, quickly turning around and walking in the house, trying to get inside before anyone could see the tears streaming down her face, then she would hurriedly walk to her room, curled up in her rocking chair as she cried and cried.
Even moving…or getting rid of an old vehicle felt like good-byes to her and she would often go room to room of the house they were leaving, touching something in each one…remembering the times she had there and mourning for the fact that there would be no more. The death of her animals had been particularly hard, taking weeks to get over. Fortunately she did not experience much death in the family during her younger years, with the death of her father being the first real “loss” in the family. He was elderly and had been very sick for several years and she KNEW it was coming and that she should welcome the fact that he would no longer be suffering… yet it still almost KILLED her, still bringing tears to her eyes 17 years later.
She often wondered WHY she felt this way. It was not as though she had sustained a great loss as a child. Her childhood had been wonderful and she often felt guilty that she had had such a good one, while most of those she knew had not been so fortunate. Perhaps it WAS the fact that she had sustained little loss that made it so hard for her? She did not know…and now…that she had found him, and understood the way they had been bonded, she wondered if it was caused from the MANY good-byes that she had been made to say to him. It was SO hard to even bring herself to SAY those words to him…and that was part of the ritual…trying to find some way to say a meaningful good-bye without saying the words. She knew that it would just be a few hours until she would see him again…but she had lived long enough to know that life could change on a dime and that NO ONE was promised another minute. She had heard story after story of people that had failed to say the proper good-byes and for one reason or another had never been allowed a last chance to tell their loved one how much they meant to them and while she acknowledged that they both KNEW that they were loved, she just could not help but imagine the agony of not letting her loved one know each time she saw them, how much they meant to her.
He was always kind and patient with her…allowing her to go through it each time…even playing along. It helped her to know how much he cherished her and how willing he was to love her in spite of her idiosyncrasies. She longed for the time when she would no longer have to say those good-byes…for the time that she could just rest, knowing that he was near…for the time that things would be a little more “normal” and within their control. And she tried hard not to think of the fact, that yet again…there would be another good-bye in their lifetime together….but she knew she would find him again…and the “hellos” would begin…and they would once again experience the amazing wonder of having found each other.
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May every good-bye be followed by a glorious hello, love.
Forever your adoring Creation…D
