A little over 7 months ago I met the most amazing man these tired eyes have ever seen. You walked into my life, love, and transformed it. You took a fast fading flower and brought it to life. Not only did you bring it to life, you changed it. What was once just ordinary became extraordinary…and it was all because of you, my prince. It is so funny, how almost overnight your life can change so immensely. I had walked alone for SO long that I never thought that it would be any different. I had longed for you….almost to the point of death, love! And I had almost given up ever finding you. I am SO grateful that I was able to hold out just a little longer. You are TRULY the most influential force to ever impact me! If I had to narrow my entire life down to one moment that changed it forever, it would be the day a little over 7 months ago that I met you.
The last few days, our conversations have often had a serious note…and I guess nothing touched me more than the conversation where you asked me WHY I thought you would let me down. Oh love, that hurt me SO much. I DO NOT think that. But I know now, that it looks that way. Please forgive me, my angel. You have NEVER, EVER let me down. You have proven over and over again that your word it true, that you mean what you say, and that NOTHING will stop you. I am more confident in your love than I have ever been of anything in my life. So yes, I will let you catch me. I will be afraid, just because I have never been caught before, but I will trust you to do it. You have NEVER given me reason to think that you would not. As I looked thru our conversations we have talked about “catching” several times and in several different ways…some of those funny, some quite serious. I enjoyed the “walk down memory lane”…
2010/03/20 6:04] El Firecaster: Welllll…I am going to do my best.
Vanish Firecaster: Awww.
El Firecaster: I will have to!
Vanish Firecaster kisses her softly… It’s not hard.
El Firecaster thinks of the 1873466418741084087 letter words…all with double vowels and NO definite syllables!
Vanish Firecaster laughs… Oh, they have.
El Firecaster: A lot of it is a GRUNT… hahaahahah
Vanish Firecaster: Actually, that’s what kids learn in school at first. It’s just that….well, words like ‘groß’ are really just one syllable.
El Firecaster: Yes… it is RARE!
Vanish Firecaster: Tsss.
El Firecaster: Of course that is what they are starting with… just a teaser… and then they will hit you with that HUGE word that CANNOT be pronounced! I have FOUND…(El Firecaster laughs)…that if I hold my neck just right…I can say the GR better than at other times…so I MAY get the pronunciation… I will just LOOK like a fruitcake when I say it!
Vanish Firecaster laughs. Awww. Hum. We’ll have to work on that.
El Firecaster LAUGHS…I am serious! I had to CATCH myself last night!…and I was thinking wtf am I doing???? I could feel my neck all stretched out like a giraffe! It is SUCH a weird sound!
Vanish Firecaster: Mmmh. Don’t concentrate on the pronunciation too much, actually. If you’re out of luck, the instructor is Bavarian. And then you’ll sound all weird in the rest of Germany. I will have to look at that. Maybe they’re really speaking weird.
El Firecaster: I don’t know…. I have a feeling that is just the way it is! Like if you just twist your head completely backwards and grunt a few times…you will get most of it right!…hahaahahah
Vanish Firecaster laughs…. Tsssss
El Firecaster LAUGHS hard…Maybe I will start a blog like that guy did…but about the language!
Vanish Firecaster laughs. Oh, you’re welcome to do so. Maybe there already IS one.
El Firecaster: I bet there is!
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[2010/04/08 3:47] El Firecaster: I know this sounds lame….and you MUST get tired of the same old shit….but It is just that I have HAD to do without any kind of support for so long…I have HAD to make myself believe in nothing but ME…and I have had to make myself believe that it was ok…to stay in that kind of relationship for so long… It was expected… it was just what I did! I COULD not believe in anything else.
Vanish Firecaster smiles… Yes. But see… that’s exactly the point. You’ve been treated like that for many years. And still, you feel the way you feel. It didn’t change how you are. You still need comfort. And here I am.
Vanish Firecaster kisses her softly.
El Firecaster: Oh love….yes, yes you are.
El Firecaster holds his face on hers…
Vanish Firecaster: I’ll catch you.
El Firecaster nods, grabbing his hand and bringing it to her mouth kissing it gently. I love you SO much, ***.
Vanish Firecaster: I know it’s lame to say everything’s going to be alright. But as long as I don’t know what’s wrong, that’s all I can say.
El Firecaster whispers to him… Can you be real?
Vanish Firecaster: Hum. I certainly feel real.
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[2010/02/11 12:40] El Firecaster: it’s always the quiet ones…
Vanish Firecaster: Mmh, is it? Then YOU should be the biggest creep.
El Firecaster: I AM! Why do you think I am afraid of them! I KNOW what they are capable of!
Vanish Firecaster laughs… Hmm. You don’t seem very creepy to me.
El Firecaster giggles… not?
Vanish Firecaster: Hmm…hard to say without having you seen creep. Maybe you could give me a demonstration.
El Firecaster giggles… you just want me to turn over and stick my ass up in the air!
Vanish Firecaster laughs…Well, that would be a start.
El Firecaster: You would like that, huh?
Vanish Firecaster: MMmh….I won’t say anything.
El Firecaster: And then what if I crept off????
Vanish Firecaster: MMh…I can creep after you.
El Firecaster: oh yes????
Vanish Firecaster: MMh, sure.
El Firecaster imagines him on all 4’s creeping after her!
Vanish Firecaster laughs… You better imagine YOURSELF creeping away!
El Firecaster imagines him catching her and laying on top of her to keep her from creeping away any farther….
Vanish Firecaster grabs her tight and laughs…You’re so beautiful, ***.
El Firecaster: awwwwww… Thank you, love.
El Firecaster kisses him softly…. slowly.
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[2010/04/09 4:25] Vanish Firecaster: Come on, ***. I love you!
El Firecaster nods.
Vanish Firecaster: Why do you think I would let you down?
El Firecaster: ohhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate that…that sounds awful!
El Firecaster sighs… but I guess that IS what it is. I am sorry, love. It’s just that I have been “loved” before and not found sufficient. So it is hard to believe….that is all.
Vanish Firecaster kisses her softly…. rocks her gently.
El Firecaster: But you have never let me down.
Vanish Firecaster: And I will not.
El Firecaster kisses him and holds him close.
Vanish Firecaster runs his fingers through her hair.
El Firecaster: I don’t want to be freaked out by it. I love you. I want to give of myself freely to you. I WANT TO! I just…
Vanish Firecaster smiles… I know.
El Firecaster sighs
Vanish Firecaster: I know, ***. Close your eyes and let yourself fall. I’ll catch you.
El Firecaster nods. Yes. I believe you will.
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Mein Liebster. I will close my eyes and let you take me by the hand. I will close my eyes and fall. I will close my eyes…and let you…catch me.
