My most revered husband,

“All roads lead to Rome.”…I have written to you of the terrible things in my past, love.  How they molded and shaped me…how badly they hurt….and how much I wish I could undo some of it.  But ultimately I understand that all those things helped to shape me and make me who I am…and would do them all again, as long as they led me to you. 

I was thinking today of the past…both mine and yours…and not ALL of it was bad.  There were many wonderful things that happened as well….and some things that were wonderful at the time, but in retrospect were not so great after all.  But when I look at them…every one of them…I realize now…that they were ALL leading me here, to this place, to this moment in time…to YOU.  All of my roads…have led to you. 

I realize that it is the same for you, love.  We have talked about it many times.  I have loved several times in my life.  And when I love, I love deeply.  I feel like the both of us have that ability.  We know how to love…how to give of ourselves.  I DO truly believe it was placed in us from the beginning.  The problem has been…that it was meant to be given to one another…and so all of our feeble attempts to give it to others have failed.  I could not understand it.  I could not figure out, how that a love so great, given so freely, could not thrive and survive.  And now I know…because it was meant to be given to you.  All the things that I said, all the things that I did to try to perpetuate that love…were born out of the great longing.  Even though they were directed at the time to someone else, they were BORN out of that place that was reserved for you, the place that could ONLY be filled by you.  I didn’t understand that at then.  And it seemed that no matter how I tried, all my attempts were futile, and all my words wasted.  Now I know…I know that all that time…it was YOU that I wanted, YOU that I sought, YOU that I needed, YOU for which I was created. 

All of those things taught me that I CAN love, I CAN give myself completely, I am capable of loving endlessly…I CAN AND WILL sacrifice all for the one I love.  I am capable of putting them first.  I am able to change and morph and flow and bend to be what is needed.  I can be totally devoted.  I was created to be all those things.  But while I CAN be all those things…they were only wasted, until I found the one I was met to do them FOR….YOU. 

All my roads have and forever will…lead to you. 

Your devoted lover,

El