Beauty seems to be something we obsess about in our culture. I, like most people I know, have a tendency to first look at someones outward appearance to judge beauty. But I try to NEVER STAY there…I always look deeper to see what is really underneath all that “pretty” before making a final judgement. And as we all know, quite often the most “beautiful” are truly not beautiful at all…and those who may not catch our eye at first, frequently end up being some of the prettiest people we have ever met!
I feel like I am “fair” in judging “beauty”. I try to be anyway. But the lenience and understanding that I give so freely to others, I have seldom given myself. Today, love….was a real epiphany for me. I felt like I did the day I was told that it was okay to be happy! Such a simple statement…and yet it changed my life. It is something we all know…something that is taken for granted…and yet, that day, when it was said to me, it triggered something deep inside me that suddenly “clicked” and made me REALIZE that it was INDEED okay to be happy. And I have made a choice to be so ever since.
Today, that same sort of thing happened. You have always told me how beautiful I am and you have NEVER done ANYTHING to make me think or feel any differently. I always believed that you meant it and was grateful that you felt that way. But I was never able to believe it. Today when we were talking I did not want to give you the “same ol’ story”. But in my life I have found, that after a while of fighting and questioning things…you just begin to accept things the way they are. You find it hurts less that way. It is just better if you accept some things as truth and move on. Why fight the inevitable? It was not as though I was TOLD any certain thing. It was just a feeling…just an inference, just a few well hidden remarks and actions that began a chain reaction in me. One that caused me to tell myself that it was better not to hope for me. It was best not to fight it. It was good to accept it for what it was. It was not something I was proud of, not something I would publicize…it was just the way it was…and accepting it somehow made sense. Surely if the one that you loved and trusted with your life felt or thought a certain way, then it must be true? Right?
It has taken me a while of being out of that to see that is not the case. I have always told others that true beauty comes from within, that it is not an outward appearance it is an attitude, a state of mind. It is the caring and love you have for others that shines through. And that it should not matter what ANYONE else thinks, what should matter is what you think of yourself and why! And yet, I never LIVED these words myself. What a sad state of affairs….Until today!! Thank you, love for gently leading me, for guiding me, for loving me even when I did not (and sometimes still DO not) love myself. Thank you for finding me beautiful in every way. Thank you for allowing me to see it and for the first time in my adult life, to believe it! Not believe that YOU feel that way…but believe it MYSELF…to truly FEEL beautiful and to realize that it is ok to feel that way.
I cannot promise that I will never revert to my former way of thinking. (In fact, I am STILL fighting it a LITTLE…not much, but a little…just thinking this must be some kind of fluke!) But at least I have felt it! My counselor told me that I had a GOOD chance of finding my former self, for at least I HAD a good self esteem at one point in my life and so I would know what to look for and what it was when I found it. I FOUND IT! And it is WONDERFUL! Today, as I went about my business, I held my head a little higher and walked a little taller. I looked people in the eye and spoke to them! And all the time I kept thinking…”I can do that…I am beautiful!”
I remember when I first started playing SL…I used to feel that way at times…just thinking that I was such a pretty avie! SHE made ME feel better. It was nice to know, that in SOME world, I could be pretty. I don’t have to look there anymore. I can be pretty right here, right now…ME…just as I am….and it is ok.
I hope that you will never TRULY know the things I endured as I waited for you, love. Sometimes they still make me cry…and even now I find those learned habits and ways of doing things ruling my life. But I hope you DO know what a pivotal role you have played in changing those behaviors and in erasing the hurt and pain that has accumulated over many years. I am grateful for you, love and for the lives that we share together…and for the many beautiful ones yet to come!
I am eternally your personal…:)….slave and adoring wife. “Be careful what you ask of me…cause I can’t say no.”…..D
