As we spoke today, love I could not help but feel and remember the frustrations you shared. I too have felt them and experienced them…and for me…they were terribly painful. We seem to be such different creatures, you and I. I always had a terrible amount of guilt for feeling as I did. It seemed no one else felt that way. But it was as it was…and I could not change it. All I wanted….was you. I did not even know you at the time…but I knew that I was made to be dedicated to you…and only you. Yes…I shared my love with others…and they required a certain amount of me…but I always knew that my entire self was completely devoted to you.

I know as a man it is different. You have so many others to be responsible for…(me included)….and while I was responsible for a large amount of my household, I always knew it was only temporary…and that the time would come, when it would just be you….and so that was my focus. NOW I understand why that was so confusing for me…since I had not yet found you and did not understand “who” we ARE…but now I know…and it all makes sense.

So you see, my “other”….you have ALWAYS been my priority. I was created to put you first in my life…always, even above myself…and I know you hate that…but it IS the way I feel. And while I am not really certain that you understand that…and I know that most others would not…you have to try to comprehend…that doing that completes me…and makes me feel whole. You are the center of my world, from which everything else revolves. Without you my life was scattered and fragmented and while I desperately TRIED…to keep everything moving along on an even keel…it was SO hard…there was no foundation…no center. I THOUGHT there was…and so I TRIED to center from it…and it was a disaster and left me feeling alone and void. Never in all my life have I felt so “right”. It is as though all the questions in my life have been answered and while some of it still hurts…at least, I know the answers…and that helps.

SO…as I listened today…and thought of what I had gone through…I could not help but cry…(a RARE occurrence for me, I know!) Because I remember that feeling…and I HATE more than anything in the world, that you must feel that too. I cry because I know now that ALL of it transpired because as hard as I tried, my feelings and trust had been misplaced…they were yours…only yours. No wonder it would not work! I cried at the thought that it should not have been that way, for either of us. I will never understand WHY we were not allowed to begin this life together and I suppose I will always cry for the lost years and all the misplaced love….all the years that were spent trying to foster something that was only meant for you. BUT…I will be FOREVER grateful for the time we have and for the fact that against all odds…we…once again…have been united….and will NEVER have to feel alone again.

So…as you go about your daily activities, please remember that while things are not perfect…you are MUCH loved. Please keep in mind, that SOON I will be in your arms and we will be complete. I cannot take away the pain that you feel right now, but I can try to ease it. And you…ONLY you….will always be…my first and ONLY priority.

My heart beats for and because of you, love……IMMER…..D