The house seemed strangely quiet as she grabbed the vegetables from the refrigerator to prepare for supper.  There was never much noise here; it was always quiet and peaceful with the exception of a passing ambulance.  As usual her mind wandered back to their previous conversations and she laughed as she picked up the squash, running it beneath the cool water.  It seemed each time they were together their conversations ran the gamut.  They shared exciting stories, arousing themes and quiet peaceful pictures.  They laughed and they cried…well mostly she cried while he told her it would be okay…but they shared it all and loved each moment.  He had asked her what she was so afraid of.  And she KNEW what it was, but could not tell him.   She worried that the time in the great sadness had taken a toll on her already weak body and had caused irreversible damage.  Perhaps not unto death, but enough to cause her great pain…a pain that she could not and would not inflict upon him.  Their best laid plans would be thwarted and the beautiful dream…was just a dream after all.  Tears flowed down her cheeks as she thought of it yet again and she tried to let his words comfort her.  She knew that he loved her and she knew that he was committed to her.  She knew that he had prepared and had “made up his mind”.  She knew that if the shoe was on the other foot that she would not hesitate…that it would never be a question in her mind.  She would walk thru ANY fire to be with him, even if it were for just ONE moment alone with him.    But to ask HIM to walk thru the fire with her was an entirely different matter…one that she was not sure she could ask him to do.  She pondered on all he had said to her and all the possibilities…and she tried to console herself by telling herself that what they had now was wonderful and could be enough.  It had been at one time, it could be again.  WHY did she let herself start to believe the dream?   She knew that time was not on their side and that if it were not this week…it would eventually be next month or next year or 10 years from now.  Could she really ask that of him?  Would she?  She had once told a friend that she could never walk outside of the dreaming…that she was not good enough for him.  And she did not mean it in the way that most people thought.  Of course she worried that she was not pretty enough or young enough for him, but she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she could love him the way that NO ONE else could.  She KNEW that what she had to offer him could not be found anywhere else.  She knew that SHE fit him…that she was his, that she was made for him and that NO ONE else would EVER do.   She knew that all these things could overcome the others.  But it was this, which bothered her the most.  Her career had afforded her glimpses into lives that had been struck by disease and she was well aware of the devastating blow that it could take on a relationship.  Even the most loving and devoted partners could buckle underneath the weight.  She had thought of it LONG before he had found her and she always told herself when the time came…she would simply walk away…and it would be over.  She would not do that to those she loved most.  Over the years she had softened her stance and had come to learn that those who loved NEEDED to be there.  It was part of the healing process afterwards…and so she had reconsidered somewhat, but still had such conflicting emotions about it. 

She looked at the boiling water as she but the squash into pieces and once again smiled.  She thought of ALL the good times they had, the way he knew her, the life that they shared.  It was good…and she reminded herself once again not to “lose” today for looking at tomorrow.  She wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled once again, feeling him close to her as she whispered “Meet me in the kitchen, love…May you always meet me in the kitchen.”