My precious husband,
I am hoping that these words will find you in a much better state than when I last spoke with you. I so DESPERATELY wish that there was something…ANYTHING that I could do to make you feel better. I know it must be frustrating for you, as you kind of feel the same way…wishing that there was something…ANYTHING that you could do to make it better…and yet, no matter how much you bang your head against the wall, you keep coming up with the same answers.
I can only HOPE that it helps in some small way to have someone to talk to about it. I feel foolish asking you questions about things that make no sense to you. It is just that it is the ONLY frame of reference I have…I can only try to make sense of it from the things that I know and grew up with…and I am finding out more and more everyday…that what I grew up with and know to be true…in most cases is TOTALLY different from what you did! And that sometimes makes it hard to know how to have an intelligent conversation with you about some things!
But there is one thing I know…that when I look into your eyes…I can see the present, the future and the past. It is so funny…it reminds me of a scene in a movie where the main character has his/her entire life flash before his/her eyes in a couple of seconds. That is often how it is with me…I see pieces of things…many lifetimes ago….over and over…but always those eyes. And as I look at them and watch them look back at me, I cannot help but wonder what is going on inside that head of yours….what I would give to know! And then all I can seem to do is just look at you and utter silliness as my mind is taken to other times and other places. I watch you struggle with the things you are faced with and I cannot help but think “How did you end up here?” How did EITHER of us end up here? Sometimes I feel like we both are TOTALLY displaced! Neither of us are in a place that we were created for. I am not sure what that place is…but it seems like it is NOT here.
After you went to bed, I looked through some of the things we used to send to one another and I came across this, dated 12-22-08:
“He had told her once that their cravings were normal for newlyweds and yet she knew herself well enough to know that it was no temporary infatuation. She loved him and from that love she would eternally want him. It was no temporary state that would lessen with time, it was her love that drove her and she knew without a doubt, that she could look at him 10 years from now and still find him just as attractive and desirable as she did today.
She listened again to the song he had shared with her, telling her that it had reminded him of her, and she was still amazed. She could not understand WHY he would love her so. There were SO many others, prettier, younger, more talented. Ones that were not so burdened with all of her insecurities and the problems that plagued her and had crossed over into the dreaming. She felt as though she had SO little to offer him….and yet he loved her still, cared for her…and yes….even worried about her. She had long ago quit hoping for someone that would love her like that…and yet…here he was. THE man that had visited her so many times in the past, leaving hints and hopes of their future together, waiting for just the right time that they could finally be united.
And so she waited, waited for the time that they could once again be together and she could give the only thing she truly possessed to him…..herself. There were few things that she knew these days, but she knew how to love, and love him she did….and all she could do, was pray that her love….would be enough.”
I can only hope, love…that it IS enough. I sit back and watch all the MANY things you do for me. I see all the ways you take care of me and try to get everything I need and want. I watch you worry for me when I do not feel well and see the many times you check on me to make sure I am ok. I LOVE the way you cover me up and make sure I am warm. And yet…what is I it that I do for you, love? I worry that I cannot do enough to show you how much I love you. I can only hope that you can see it in my eyes and feel it in my touch, my precious love.
The Sun Will Always Rise
by Heather Nova
Hey don’t cry, the night is almost through
And I’ll be here to hold and comfort you
Sometimes you’ll look out on dark and stormy skies
But darling remember the sun will always rise
And bring the light, and bring the light
Life will take you through many endless nights
And you may struggle with pain and loss sometimes
But as long as you are humble
And you stay true inside
Come what may the sun will always rise
And bring the light, and bring the light
Mountains will make it harder
Dark clouds will make you doubt
But you’ll get through
And when I can’t be with you
This ray of hope I give to you
So hey don’t cry, the night is almost through
And I’ll be here to hold and comfort you
Though sometimes you’ll look out on dark and stormy skies
darling remember, the sun will always rise
And bring the light, and bring the light
May I always be there to hold and comfort you, love and in the morning…may I always be your light.
Immer….D
