There are so many things that baffle me love…so many things that make me wonder…just HOW MANY lives we have shared together…how many pasts. It seems like every time we drive by the place where the house used to stand at the side of the road, there is something that calls out to me. Today…was the funniest feeling…as we walked back into the trees…I felt like WE had been there before. There was something about it that stirred deep inside me and I wanted to walk over to the archway and touch it. I felt so close to you there. It was almost as though when I looked into your eyes I could see another time. I sometimes wonder if it is that way with you. Do you ever look at my eyes…and just feel like you have always seen them? Like for one brief fleeting moment you could place them in another time and another place? Like if you look hard enough…the landscape and the clouds and the time will transform into the way it was and WE will be as we were then…different…and yet always the same.
Sometimes as we drive along the road I can almost hear the trees calling to me. I feel really comfortable there. And yet….there is a longing that is somehow associated with them. All I REALLY know for sure and yet often doubt, is that I am here with you, now…in this place…this moment in time…and that I will do the best I can to make sure that no second is wasted.
As we move into the new house, I am excited….yet scared…and yes…even a little sad. You know how easily I form relationships with objects…how I seem to bond with them and give them SO much more importance than they should have. There are so many firsts that this house holds for me…and I will never forget them. SO…..in another 75 years or so, I have a feeling that one day we will be driving down the road that runs in front of this house. Perhaps it will be a freeway by then…or another forested area…or who knows…a dry dusty desert full of cows….but when we do…I will know. I will feel it. I will “feel” the first time you made love to me…the first time you kissed me good night….the first movie we ALMOST watched together…and the first cup of coffee we had. And as we drive by and my body responds…I will gently put my hand on your leg, running my warm hand up and down it, as you reach down and grab it with your hand…and I will look at those beautiful brown eyes staring back at me…almost piercing through to my soul and I will say “Pull over here!” as you smile at me and give me one of those looks…like..”What is my crazy wife doing now??” And I will jump out of the car and grab you by the hand and hold you close to me. I will feel the gentle breeze blow on our skin, as my senses are heightened and my body responds to your lips on mine…and THIS time…I will not hesitate…I will have LEARNED to ask the question. I will not wait to see what happens. I will close my eyes….and remember a time in the distant past, that all my dreams came true and WE began again.
To all the times yet to come, love…..immer…D
