You are always SO careful with me, love…so tender and kind. Sometimes it almost overwhelms me! Just as you know me, I know you as well…and I KNOW that you often hold back on things to be kind to me.

I wish SO badly that I did not have all the “baggage” that I have. I must admit…it DOES get heavy to carry around. I am pleased that I HAVE been able to let so much of it go…and there are times that I can EVEN set the remaining pieces down…but then I seem to pick them up just as quickly. I WISH it were not so…and I can only hope that in the near future I will be able to throw it away completely.

I KNOW that you know how hard it is for me, love…but I am glad that you probably do not understand the full scope of it. I hope you have never had to feel like that! It is REALLY awful. It is torturous. It is as though…I can HEAR everything that has EVER been said to me come flooding in and blur my senses. I can feel EVERY moment of EVERY rejection I have ever had and it tears away at my soul piece by piece leaving me wounded a fresh and unable to fight it. I hate it SOOOO badly…and I found myself today wondering WHY I had let it happen? WHY did I let HIM take that from me…do that to me…and then I told myself that I had allowed it. There was no one to blame but me. I am not sure if that is the “real” truth…since I have learned that truth is VERY subjective….but I DO know…that if I allowed it…then I can UN allow it. And I plan to, love. I do NOT want to live my entire life like this. I do not have to. I have the power to change it…and so I shall!!

I wish I could tell you in 10 simple steps how I planned to do it. Hell, I wish I could even point you in a general direction. But the only thing I can tell you with any certainty…is that the love that you so freely give has allowed me to heal as much as I have thus far and I am certain that it will not leave the job incomplete. There is NOTHING that I WISH to withhold from you, love. I often feel that we have been cheated out of enough time already. I will not allow the time that we DO have together to be tainted by the past. I want EACH moment to be given what it deserves and that is nothing less than EVERYTHING. It deserves ALL of me. And I know that with that in my mind and your love in my heart I can put the voices to rest. I can tell them to go to hell where they came from….I can walk out of the ever present darkness that plagues me into the glorious light. Not only will I be home, I will be free and I will be returned to my former state.

Thank you, love for reminding me that I am your wife. It always grounds me. It means more to me than you will ever know. It is my greatest accomplishment…and my ONLY true desire. Thank you for being so kind to me when I cry. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to sit there and see it and not be able to hold me or dry my tears. Trust me when I tell you that there is nothing that I want more. And it is only the fact that I know that in one week you will be able to do so that keeps me from languishing.

I love you, mein Koenig….

Forever….your adoring WIFE and personal…:)….slave…D