Good morning, love…..this just kind of “took off”….and I could not find a stopping place…I just had to let it roll out of me until I could no longer write. It is simply “history”. You WERE there for all of it after all! I am sorry if it bores you…but perhaps it will let you see things a little more from my perspective. You SAID you wanted to read what was rolling around inside my head….well…this is it. I love you, baby….
“You are the most wonderful woman…..ever.” She closed her eyes as she heard the all to familiar sound of their “call” ending…and let the words soak into her. It felt good and comforting…similar to the fireplace that warmed her face. She could not help but wonder what it really meant. On the surface it was simple enough. But in reality she wondered, what HAD she done to deserve such praise? She was not the unusual creature that he was. She was certain that she would probably fall into the “normal” category, the ordinary, the usual, the expected, the same. And more often than she liked she DID give a sh**….and then hated herself for it. To think that she could be the object of his affection…even of his desire… was more than she could have ever hoped for.
She knew that he would hate her thinking that way of herself. It was not a discredit to herself…it was just the way it was…no reason to be sad or upset about it. After all, MOST people were normal….and normal was quite often and MOST often what people wanted. But it was NOT what she wanted…and in THAT sense she was QUITE abnormal! She could still remember the first time she ever saw him…and he was so different. He was not the “hulk” that she had become accustomed to in SL. He was tall and thin…and dressed all in white. He was quite engaging…she could tell right away that he was quite intelligent…and that again was something she had not seen much of in SL. He was not offended by her often “inappropriate” sense of humor and he could keep up with her better than most. At the same time he was terribly kind and caring and she remembered wishing that she had someone that would care for her like that. She remembered wanting to touch him…wanting to dance with him…wanting to be under the umbrella with him, wanting to be in the hot tub with him…ANYTHING to be closer to him…to FEEL him. She remembered telling her sister that he was “really different”…..and while that would not be a desired thing to some…it was EVERYTHING to her. She had forced herself to leave that day, changing clothes into something sexy before she left. Just so he could see that she was not always the same. She had a class to attend. And besides…she would probably never see him again….he would probably never even remember her name.
In the days that followed she thought of him often…tried not to…but did. She wondered if he remembered her…if he ever thought of her…if she would ever see him again. He had sent out a gift to everyone in his group and she was so excited! She began to read the notecard and felt her heart leap when he mentioned the name L***….and then her heart sank…as she realized…it was not her…it was one of his friends. SHE had inspired the gift…SHE had been with him…SHE had her name! And she was instantly jealous of her. She wondered what it must be like to know him like that, to be able to spend time with him and talk and joke and share. She instantly opened the group chat and thanked him for the gift…hoping to stir up conversation. And he was his usual polite self….and simply said. “you’re very welcome.” She watched the group chat as he spoke with another “friend” and LONGED to be able to talk to him like that. But she did not…she simply followed along…wishing she could bring herself to say more…AND at the same time chiding herself for thinking of such things.
She remembered asking her sister about him at every opportunity and wished that she could reconnect with him somehow. She was SO excited when her sister suggested that he try to help her find an object that she had inadvertently sent into outer space…and she hurriedly put on a new dress. He was different this time too. His hair was red….and he had an owl on his shoulder….and a cigarette in his hand….ewww. Surely he did not smoke! Surely that could not be! So she made several “snide” remarks about it. Remarks that would have put most men off. Most men would have put the cigarette out just to shut her up…but no…it just made him light up another! Most unusual he was! And so she was very excited when her sister had to leave…and left the two of them there alone. This is what she had been waiting for! And what did she do? Talk about furniture and building of course! <rolls her eyes> She slapped herself as she realized that she FINALLY had him alone…all to herself…and all she could do was talk of the most mundane things. But perhaps it was better…perhaps he should find her boring…perhaps she should forget about this…perhaps……..
After he left she could do little else but think of him. She wondered if she would ever see him again…and then a terrible tragedy struck in her sister’s life. It was the most awful thing…and she wanted to be there for her so badly…and all she could do was pray for her from a distance and hope that she could feel the warmth and love that she sent her way. She had tried to contact her sister’s “friend” to see if they had heard from her…and there was no answer….and so…it was the perfect opportunity to contact…..HIM. And so she did. He HAD heard from her…in fact…he had CALLED her. Wow…once again she thought of how unusual he was. Of all her sister’s friends….and they were many…HE had called her. And she wondered if he was just that kind of guy….or…..maybe…..he was in love with her sister. She sighed and moped around, wondering if her sister knew that he loved her. She had mentioned it to her the first day they had met…and her sister said that she was attracted to him…and that he was a wonderful guy…but due to extenuating circumstances she could never have a relationship with him. And she thought of how sad that was for her sister…because she KNEW he would be good to her.
And so she determined that if she could not be his lover….that she would be his friend. She needed him. She knew that. She could not exist without him in her life…and if a friend was all that she would ever be to him, then that was still much better than it had been before. And so it began….it was easier for her to talk to him…they were just friends after all! And she would follow his group to see when he was on so she could talk to him and ask him things…they were just friends after all. And they could go places together and do things…because…they were just friends after all. And she hoped that if she told herself that enough that she would finally start to believe it. The only problem was, that HE did not. He could ALWAYS see right thru her…and knew her EVERY thought and motive..sometimes before she even thought them!
It did not take long before he forced her to face the facts. As hard and as difficult as it was…or could be…she loved him….she wanted him….and she needed him. SHE had always been the one that controlled the situation. SHE had been the one that caused others to look at themselves. SHE had been the one that had it all under control…and suddenly…she found her own self being the bug under the microscope…and oh…how she did squirm! She felt naked and vulnerable. She was out of her element. It was as though he had created her! He KNEW her. He knew her thoughts and fears. He knew her dreams! He knew her past and her present…was it possible that he knew her future?
For the first time in her life, she felt….”owned”….and it was AMAZING! She did not have to hide, she did not have to pretend, she did not have to wish that she was something that she was not…she could just be who HE had created her to be…and he loved her that way! And she knew….that she would be bound to him forever. She knew that NOTHING could separate them. All the dreams and memories came FLOODING in and he knew them…he knew them without her even telling him.
Thru the years she had heard people use the term “soulmate”…and she hated it. That was most often the term people used when they WANTED it to be that person that they were supposed to be with forever…but more often than not…that soulmate thing ended before a year was up. It was just a term. …it might as well have been “duffledinker”….it meant NOTHING. She had often advised and told people that there was no such thing. Marriage was something that you worked at…and there was NO right or wrong person…you just found someone that you could tolerate most of the time…maybe even love and care for…and then you just worked your ASS off to make it work and to try to keep that ember alive! But now she wondered. Could it be possible? Could it be…that there might be another “person” in this world to which your SOUL was connected? Not just your body or mind. Not just your spirit. But someone to whom your soul…your very essence had been joined…from the very beginning! It was a stronger bond than time…or space. It was stronger than circumstance or boundaries. It was forever.
And so it was with great pleasure that she acquiesced her former title of “problem solver” and “Fixer of all” to him. It was not as though she would never attempt to fix things…or that she would not help when she could, but she no longer HAD to…she had “the other” now. And together, she knew that they could do anything.
They started their journey on rocky ground, neither of them knowing where it would lead…or what they could or could not do. But they knew they had to be together. That was all…it was all consuming…and it was the basis for everything else. And with that…they embraced each other tight…and jumped.
Almost a year later, neither one of them had seen where this journey would lead. Perhaps he had seen it before she had…perhaps he still had a clearer picture of it than she did. And that was ok. It was as it should be. Everything was as it was meant to be….yes….even from the beginning of time.
Immer, love…….D
