The Promise ((music by Oursvince))
When I had my very first child, I decided that I did not want to be inhibited by any kind of medication that would change my sensory perception. I wanted to experience the entire process AND I wanted to make sure I had a happy healthy baby in the process. That led me to the Lamaze method of natural childbirth. At the time the main focus of Lamaze was a series of breathing techniques that worked with your body during the painful contractions and basically taught you the fine art of distraction.
“The theory behind childbirth breathing patterns is based on the concentration required to focus on your breathing. During a contraction, your thought process is redirected from a pain response such as tension and breath holding to a learned relaxed breathing response. The successful development of a relaxed response to painful stimuli is most effective through a lot of practice.”
And practice I did! I became SO good at it, that another person could apply large amounts of pressure to my ankles and I could breath right thru it, even to the point of leaving large bruises on them. I learned that with the right kind of distraction, I could make it thru brief periods of extremely painful stimulus fairly easy. This method served me well and my labors and deliveries were always medication free.
Somewhere along the way, I kind of unconsciously adopted this method to help me thru ANY painful time in my life. And there were quite a few. I learned that I could distract myself with something I found pleasurable and for a while…just a few brief moments, the pain of the situation was gone. Unfortunately, the situation was still there…and it would mean that at some point, AGAIN, I would have to revert to distraction to be able to tolerate it. I never lost site of reality. I knew who I was and what was going on, but as a woman, I allowed myself to be and STAY in a situation where I had very little control. And as you know, love…it eventually almost killed me…in many different ways.
Distraction during times of great stress or difficulty is second nature to me now. It happens almost without me even knowing it…and yes…sometimes I try to take you along for the ride. It seems to work well for most people and I have used it in my professional experiences with both young and old and found it to be a most effective tool. But as we both know…YOU are not MOST people…and I always feel silly when I realize that I have been trying such a transparent “trick” on you…and it always seems to make things worse. For that I am sorry, love. I will try not to do it in the future, but I must admit, it will take some time to unlearn. Please be patient with me, love. I still have not learned the correct response to provide you during your times of stress, but I will. And I think it will be much better when I am actually there to touch you and hold you. I know, that sometimes THAT is all that is needed.
I can still hear your words from earlier, love. “Will you be my wife? Will you follow me into any world and walk beside me?” I have never had any other intention, love. I knew from the first time we were “together” that I would always follow you wherever you would lead me. You will NEVER have to be alone again, love. I will go with you wherever you go. I will do whatever you need me to do. I will be your wife, in every world we encounter. I cannot help but think of Ruth’s promise to Naomi in the old testament. I always marveled at the level of commitment that Ruth gave to her mother-in-law. I remember the first time I read it and thinking to myself that one day…I would say it to “the other”. I have waited my entire life to feel like this…and so, my love…it is with great gravity, sincerity and love that I say it to you…
“Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me.”
In three weeks, love…we will begin this journey in earnest….not that we have ever taken it lightly. But it will be another step…another bridge we have crossed, each one bigger and more significant…leading us into the place that has been designated for us from the beginning.
Until then, my prince….
FOREVER….your adoring WIFE…..D
