[2009/10/04 0:15] El: You know….
V: Hm?
El: *** and I talked about voice chat….she said I would love it. I told her it scared me! I don’t have a mic anyway…
V: I didn’t want to use it for…years.
El: YEARS!
V: Yes.
El: years????
V: I’m trying to remember when they introduced it. I think it was in…hm…late 2007. I had all the necessary equipment. But still I didn’t like it. For several reasons.
El: Why?
V: Mostly it disturbed the…immersion. I wanted to be somewhere else. And not bring my RL into it. No single part of it.
El: yes…I can see that…so what changed?
V: Nothing changed, basically. To be honest, it…it was incredibly boring for me.
El: You have to know that I would LOVE to hear your voice….
V: I know. I know it, love.
El: You have to know that… BUT…I told ***…there is a security in the keyboard. I can say and do things that I would NEVER do otherwise
V: Yes. Especially DO.
El: It …
El giggles
El: I guess…it MAY be another type of mask that I can hide behind?
V: No. It’s a playground of the mind for the likes of us
El: And while I would LOVE to hear your voice…can only imagine how wonderful it would be…it would SCARE ME TO DEATH! Just thinking about it frightens me….is that wierd?
V: No, it isn’t. I understand you completely.
El: I think…I am SO…blissfully happy…my little mind cannot imagine it being better…so it can only get worse!
V: Yes!
El: And I would not want to do anything to chance that!
V: Let’s look at it pragmatically. We don’t need it right now. We have all we need already. If we would need it at some time in the future, we can still use it. But from what I have experienced, it doesn’t enhance anything. It just feeds curiosity. You know, wanting to know how the other one sounds.
El smiles.
V: That’s basic curiousity.
El: Yes
V: But when you use voice…the conversation becomes flat. I can’t hold you on voice. I can’t kiss you. And I would miss that to no end.
El: No….you would almost HAVE to do both anyway!
V: Yes, exactly.
El: To even TRY to have the same experience…I was thinking about that. There are SO many things that we “say”…that we don’t ….say
V: Yes! And one thing shouldn’t be underestimated: It’s faster to talk on voice…which means it can get boring much much faster, too.
El giggles
V: I guess you must have experienced that to understand it.
El: but….I still can’t WAIT to hear you at burning life…or whatever that is!
V: I can’t wait either.
There are so many times when we “hang up”, love that I think about this conversation. It always amazes me…and causes me to wonder when it changed…and why it changed….even HOW it changed! So many things have changed in our life together…and when you stop to think about it, they have changed fairly rapidly.
I can still remember the first time I DID speak to you…and I WAS terrified! I was afraid of all the things you had told me! I can remember thinking.. “What if he finds me boring??? What if he HATES my voice?? What if it ruins what we already have?” I remember trembling….but then when I heard your voice it was all ok. You comforted me and made me forget all my worries. You told me it would all be ok…and I believed you…and you were right. THEN I remember wondering if I would ever hear it again. I mean…we HAD kind of spoken under “duress” and I wondered if you would ever see the need to “talk” to me again. I remember trying SO hard to commemorate that voice to my memory…so that I would never forget it…and be grateful for ever having heard it at all…and then it happened again! Once again I got to hear that beautiful voice…and this time, while I was still a little nervous, it was much more relaxed and we could talk about “fun” things. And then it began to happen a little more often…and each time we would combine the two worlds….you talking and me typing…STILL afraid to let go of my security blanket. And I remembered thinking it was NOT boring…it was NEVER boring with you…even though we talked for hours, I still wanted more!
And more I got…MUCH more! It seemed to become a regular occurrence…and you seemed to enjoy it..and WANTED me to get rid of my keyboard. It seemed that there WAS a way to “hold you and kiss you” without typing. And I watched as our lives and our 2 different worlds began to meld. It was no longer just something typed, sitting in a chair…looking on a screen…it was REAL. And voice, just made it better! SOMEWHERE along the way we had crossed over a bridge that I had not even seen. Perhaps a line that had been drawn in the sand…I don’t know. All I know is that suddenly…it was different…and what was already the most amazing love of my life, just became better!
It STILL really baffles me, when I think of days like today…most days now…when we don’t even log into our virtual world. We still love it there and share it together. We have moved on to other grids and other worlds…and have MANY more to share and experience together. But many times, we just want to hear each others voice and see one another and bask in the reality of our love.
Somewhere along the line..another bridge or line was crossed. That one being the reality of being together in both worlds. Again…it was something I never hoped for….would never let myself dream of. We often spoke of how much RL could SUCK and we would never want to do that to one another, that what we had was enough…and it was…and yet, everything we have done, has only made our life better. All of the stop signs and roadblocks we had put up have come down one by one…and the grass is SO much greener on the other side. And here we are…I am standing on one side of the bridge…looking at you on the other side…and I am SOOOO scared…just as I was before. I look at your smiling face…your warm arms beckoning me to “come home”…and I take a step…crossing to the other side…and in less than a month, it will be final. The two worlds will be one…we will be complete at last…and then…our journey can TRULY begin!
I love you, V….forever…and always. I will be in your arms til my dying day. I am not so foolish as to think that we will not have hard times ahead. I know that RL CAN and often does suck! But I FINALLY know who I am…and who WE are…and that….has always transcended all of it. Until next we meet, my love…
Your adoring wife and personal…:)…slave…..D
