My mother used to always tell me that when one door closed another would open. She was always right. Of course, almost everyone knows that to be true, it is not a life changing piece of knowledge for most, but mother had a tendency to just “know” things…and often had dreams that really happened. There were many, many things that she could see coming. And I often wondered if she knew how unusual that was and why she did not encourage that gift more in herself. I hate it when I think that most of her life she got bogged down in things that did not really matter in the end. She never saw what a wonderful woman she was. Instead she lived her entire life underestimating herself …always second guessing everyone and everything. She never LET anyone truly love her, although many tried….and she never loved herself. She made life hard on those around her and those that DID love her. Mostly because she could never accept their love. She lived in fear and mistrusted everyone around her. I watched that fear and mistrust eat away at her like a deadly disease. It literally transformed her.

I look back at her pictures when she was young, and she was SO vibrant…her cheeks rosy red, a full shape and bright smile. She always kept her hands busy and no one ever doubted that she was an amazing housewife and mother. But as time went on, the weight of such a burden took a great toll on her. I suppose it could be argued that it was just the nature of time. But somehow I think it was a little deeper than that. The anger, resentment and bitterness that she had nurtured began to show…physically and soon mentally. It was quite sad to watch…and no amount of love, no words…not even actions could reach her, the wall had grown so high.

Before she passed away I had the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her and what she meant to me. I was able to tell her what a WONDERFUL mother she had been to me and a good and loving wife. I told her what a model she had been to me and that her legacy would live on in me and in my children. I hope she could hear me. I believe that she did…and I choose to believe that at that point in time, she could FINALLY accept it. She FINALLY knew that it was true and that I HAD, in fact been a good and loving daughter to her and had never intentionally hurt her or did her wrong. It gave me the peace I needed to kiss her one last time and tell her that I would let her go….knowing that she would be in a happy place and FINALLY find that peace and consolation for which she had sought so long.

Sometimes when I look at myself, I see her. There are many, many good traits she passed on to me. I am very grateful for those. Unfortunately, there are also ones she passed on that were not so good. But I can at least, see them and recognize them and make a conscious decision to change them. And what is even better, love…is that you can see them too. And YOU will not allow me to hold on to them.

I am in a learning process. I am LEARNING trust. I CAN trust you. I can put my life and heart into your hands knowing it is safe there. There is no need to worry or fret over it, for I know that you would NEVER intentionally harm me and that every decision you make, is made with my welfare in mind.

I am learning that I am of worth. For a very long time I have felt like while I did have some nice qualities, they were really not of any value. And I am learning to feel differently about that. There are many things that I can do…and do well. And while there is no need to wear a giant flashing sign to advertise them to the world, it is perfectly ok to acknowledge them and be proud of the things I can do well.

I am learning that I am beautiful. That one is particularly hard for me. But I am learning that beauty truly IS in the eye of the beholder and that it transcends age and size and form. I know that when you look at me and tell me that I am beautiful, that you mean it! (And you HAVE seen more of me than anyone on this planet! So I guess you would know!) I know that while my body has been affected by age and time and abuse, that there are still plenty of things about it that you find attractive…and it is ok for me to find them attractive as well.

I am learning to trust my instincts. They have always been there. And I have always known that they were usually spot on…but I have by necessity, learned to ignore them. And now I know that they are there for a reason and I need to LISTEN to them. I DO have certain intuitions that others don’t seem to have. They are there for a reason. I can develop them and trust them.

I am learning that not all that is “evil” is evil and not all that is “pure” really is. It is a big world…and just as beauty is subjective, so is good and evil. We have to determine what is right for ourselves. And what is right for us may not be right for another. We cannot nor SHOULD we try to determine what is right or just for someone else. We TRULY need to let each one work out his own salvation with fear and trembling!

And I guess all these things can be summed up by saying, I am learning what it means to be truly loved. There are many love stories out there. Many ideas of what love is and how it should feel. Many different opinions of what TRUE love should be. I THOUGHT I knew it. I knew that I loved. And loved to the best of my ability, but that love has never been returned in a way that I could accept it. And I am not sure that my love was ever really accepted either. I am learning what it means to LET someone love me…and it is AMAZING, love! It has transformed me and saved my life.

SO….10 months ago today we pledged our undying love to one another. We began this walk, this journey together that has led us to this place in time. Today….I closed a door. Now I am ready to walk thru the next one. I can see your open arms there, love…and I am running to them, never to be let go. I am SO looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I know…that I will never have to write another one, alone. I know that EVERY chapter written from now on, will be done so in the comfort of your arms.

Ich liebe dich, mein Liebster….immer……D