My most loved husband,

I have thought quite a bit about our earlier conversation…as I always do.  I just seem to live from moment to moment with you…just waiting for what will come next, each word burning in my heart.

Thank you for sharing with me.  I know it is something that is a little uncomfortable for you…and I am not sure why.  I think there are still things that “haunt” you sometimes….and for some reason you are not comfortable sharing them…you just lump them all together in that category of “Things I wished I hadn’t done.”  I have one of those too…I think we all do.  I have done many things that I am not proud of…and desperately wish that I could change…but I can’t…and while many of those things HURT…and ended up hurting many people…I DID learn from them…and they did serve to make me who I am today…be that good or bad.

Of course, now that I am FINALLY with you…I so desperately wish that I could have avoided all the other crap in my life and found you earlier!  I wish that there was SOME way that I could undo all of it…and make everything “right”… the way I think “right” should be.  And of course, that is impossible…and so that leaves you with the question of WHY?  WHY did it have to be like this?  Why did the BOTH of us spend so much of our lives…in BOTH worlds…doing things that just made our lives harder in the end?  But we both know there is no answer to that.  All I can think of is what a “very wise man” told me once…”nothing is lost!”

I will never know the answers to my questions…nor can I undo all that has been done.  There is no way to retrieve the time that *I* feel was taken from us…BUT…I can make the best of what I have now.  And that…I intend to do.  I am SO grateful to be where I am right now…just as I told you love…and I meant every word of it…I would GLADLY do it all again…a dozen times over….all the hurt…all the pain…all the mistakes…ALL of it… as long as it would ultimately lead me to you…NOTHING is too great to ask…as long as it leads me to you.  And it seems…that is where all roads were ultimately leading…so I cannot be unhappy about that.  I always remember the words to a chorus of a song I know:

When does the thorn become a blessing
When does the pain become a friend
When does the weakness make me stronger
When does my faith make me whole again
I want to feel His arms around me
In the middle of my raging storm
So that I can see the blessing in the thorn

“A Blessing in the Thorn” by Phillips Craig and Dean

All of my pain…has become my friend…it has led me to you…and that is ALL that matters, love.

IF the time ever comes that you feel you need to really SHARE those things in your past that you wish you hadn’t done…you know I will be here, love.  You know I will love you…you KNOW it will be ok.  I am here now…and I am forever yours.  There is no fear in love…I have always known that…but YOU made me believe it!

Your loving wife…D