My wonderful husband,
As I read over this AGAIN…it amazed me how much I STILL do the same things. Some days I feel like I have made so much progress and other days not so much. Here I am all this time later and still asking…what if? What if? I was SO afraid then….and everything turned out SO beautifully…when am I ever going to learn? So I still try to hide behind walls, masks and mirrors… and I STILL cannot think about it very long at a time…but I will try. I will try to dream WITH you love and not against you. You made me think today about how frustrating it must be. There are so many people that will never see your dreams…and here…I can see them, but am afraid to dream them with you. You are right…it CAN paralyze….and I don’t want to do that. I am not quite sure HOW to stop these habits….I have had them for so long…but at least I can see the pattern now…and I pray…that I can learn how to dream again….how to dream WITH you, love.
Forever your wife…D
[2009/08/23 17:53] El: Ok… so… here it is… you want me to be frank right?
V: Right.
El: Are you sure?
V: I am.
El: Yes… I feel the “connection”… I love it…I need it… I want it… but what if… what if???
El: What if I CAN’T be what you need… I can only be this… and what if this is not enough? What if I let myself LOVE you… and then what? I can’t be here for you.
V: Ellie? Don’t hide. Goddammit. Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I have been thinking that myself?
El: I must go dear V… To be continued…
V: Okay.
El blows V a kiss.
===================================================================================== [2009/08/24 9:24] El: TY for your kindess and understanding yesterday….it means a lot. I know I can be hard to understand…and to get along with at times…I am sorry…but you were great…and I really appreciate the fact that you cared and did not LET me stay sad….:) I still feel bad about it..but I think I am beginning to understand the dynamics of it all a little better. I am sorry I had to leave suddenly…but you know that is how it is with me…and ALWAYS will be. I know it is frustrating…it is for me too…and I would not blame you ONE BIT…if it was more than you could handle. I will tell you…..I am terrified of the things that I started to share with you yesterday…and there is part of me that wants to say….”Can’t we just forget that it ever happened?” and pretend..that it was just another day? But I think I know you well enough to know that you will not let that happen. Promise me…that no matter what….we will always be friends….please? =====================================================================================
[2009/08/24 10:57] El: I bet you would be cute in a loincloth
V: I bet I won’t give you opportunity to find out.
El: hahahahahahahahaha… Oh come on… I would wear wings!
V: Yeah. Forget it.
El: Fine… I will wear it then!
V: Mmh.
El: You know how “dangerous” I am!
V: Oh, Ellie. You are.
El: hahahaha… whatever… silly boy!
V: Nah, nothing “whatever” And I’m not silly.
El: You are! I LIKE being dangerous and you know it.
V: Yes, I know that.
El: Not always… just sometimes.
V: Sure, moods change.
El: Well…it’s kinda hard to get a reaction out of you sometimes… I have to work hard at it!
V: Mmh. What kind of reaction?
El: ……hahaha
V smiles. What good would it do?
El: It would be fun!
V: For whom?
El: ME!
V: Yes.
El: I would at least like to know I accomplished my goal!
V: Your goal is to make me drool?
El: Maybe… Since I have never seen you do it????
V: And you won’t.
El pouts. Then how will I ever know that I have intrigued you?
V: The question is rather: Why should I drool at something unattainable?
El: Because you can?????
V: Yeah, anyone can drool.
El: Why put violins on ice? Or bells in rooms?
V: Because they’re challenging there.
El: Am I not challenging?
V: Now this discussion is taking weird turns.
El: Isn’t that what you like?
V: Actually you’re comparing apples and… elephants
V: I’m an elephant now huh? wow!
V: Would you rather be the apple?
El: You really know how to make a girl feel good! First you REFUSE to drool… and then I am an elephant! At least you can EAT an apple… It is red and shiny….
V: Now listen, Miss Intriguing. You know I like you, and you know you intrigue the hell out of me. But at the same time, you know we can’t be anything more than we are now. So any drooling, any pining, any intrigue only causes… frustration.
El: Should I stop then?
V: I just don’t see the point.
El: ………… because it makes me feel good???
V: And then?
El: At least it’s nice to know that you are desired!
V: Oh, you are. But what good does it to us?
El blushes as she reaches over to touch his face.
El: What am I gonna do with you dear V???
V: Ellie, in a different life, we would prolly be fiery comets blazing into each other.
El: You think?
V: I know.
El: hmmm… sounds like fun!
V: It does.
El: hahaha… question.
V: Mh.
El: If you knew this then why would you MAKE me admit the way I really feel?
V: Because you needed that.
El: But now I feel exposed and vulnerable.
V: Yes, isn’t that good? It’s a far cry from hiding behind walls, masks and mirrors.
El: But when I am behind my wall… I can comfort myself!
V: You’re dead behind your wall.
El: Who will do it now?
V smiles…. caresses your arm gently.
El lowers arm… I’m scared!
V: Yes. We are friends, Ellie. Don’t forget that. Whatever happens, we will be friends.
El: Promise?
V: Promise.
El sheds a tear.
V: I have no clue if we can be anything else. The way I see it, your RL and our time difference prevents it. Those are boundaries that define our SL.
El: ok.
V: Am I right?
El: ………. lifts her head
V: Ellie, I don’t know it. I’m just guessing.
El: ok… so……enough of that…I cannot bear to look at it for too long at a time…..
V smiles. Okay.
