My precious Vanish,

Your love for me never ceases to amaze me.  I know it shouldn’t…but sometimes I am STILL surprised by it.  Never have I felt such love and compassion!  To think that you would spend ONE moment of your day concerned for me, comforts me more than you will ever know.  To know that you wish you could do more, that there was a better way to comfort me when I am hurting, to think constantly of what can be done to remedy me….is…more than I could ever ask for.  Oh love…..to know that you even worry for fear that you would “lose me” to such pain…is….incomprehensible to me.  When you tell me you need me….it blows me away.  It makes me WANT to do better…to BE better.  To really TRY to “take care of myself” because I KNOW without a doubt…that you need me….and even better….you want  me!!

I have often wondered why my entire life has been spent battling pain.  I think my poor body is SO tired of it, that the least little thing sets it off, any more.  I guess it is my body’s way of saying WTF???  But you MUST know that EVERY MOMENT I spend with you is pure pleasure.  It is heaven to me.  For the moments that we are together, it is as though my body recognizes its’ other half and lays still, quiet….at rest….at home.  I don’t need any medicine….I don’t need ANYTHING when I am in your arms.  My world is complete.  For those moments, it is as though the world stops….and all my cares…all my burdens…and yes….all my pain…is washed away by your love.  Your words bathe my soul, healing it’s’ wounds.  Your caresses comfort my body…leaving me calm and relaxed.  You’re even there in my dreams to overshadow my fear and insecurities.  I know that in my dream…you wanted more for me…you wanted me to have more than the dirty little sofa…..but don’t you see….that was NOTHING to me.  It was merely a place to rest my head….the real dream was the part where I was in your arms.  That part of the dream overshadowed all the other conflicting parts.  IT was the part I chose to focus on.  I would GLADLY sleep on the dirty little sofa….even put up with all the awful phone calls…..for just those few moments of being in your arms. 

I don’t know why it has been deemed so, love…..all I know…is that I am grateful!  I am grateful for EVERY MOMENT!  Little did you know when you wrote about your “Lady of Pain”…SO long ago…that I was real.  The fact that I was your Lady of Pain did not bother me at all.  It was when I discovered that I was the “apportioner, deciding how much time for life was to be allowed for each person or being.” that I was upset.  TIME………who decided mine?  Am I the same with it as I am with everything else, always healing, but never healed; dividing time for other….but unable to do so for myself.  Can’t you see why I hate TIME?  Is that why you did not tell me what it was that I did?  You conveniently left that part out!  But so it has been divined….and what will be, will be.  But my love for you….will ALWAYS be…..

Forever your “Lady of Pain”……L