As I walk this new path I’ve been granted, I experience so many emotions I never expected to feel; things that cause me to stop and consider what is “real” and where I want my life to go from here. Family seems to be one of those things we all think we have. It is taken for granted, something that will always be. But as time passes, the more I realize that for me, “family” has changed. Yes, I still have children and there are even a few of my “clan” that roam the planet….but MY family has evolved… leaving me contemplating the meaning.
If I think about it, I have never really had a family. I always “borrowed” other’s. I am NOT complaining, no self pity or undue sorrow. I always had a good life and those with whom I was placed always seemed to love me, so no complaints…just wondering. As a child I knew that my family was borrowed. For as long as I can remember, it was just an accepted fact. And I learned that the names of Mother and Father meant little, it was the caring that counted.
When I grew up and married, I once again borrowed family and learned that brother and sister meant nothing. It was the care and concern of those around you that bonded you. It was not long before I had children and as every good mother knows, they were mine and I loved them and sacrificed for them KNOWING that they were borrowed. And now they have lives of their own, having started the journey for themselves. Son and daughter have a very different meaning now than it did when they were 5.
Husband and wife. What does that really mean? I have found it is more than just signing a piece of paper as you stand in front of a crowd making promises of love and commitment. It is more than having children together, even more than sharing a home together. It is EVEN more than spending YEARS of your life together. It is something so wondrous and so sacred that few ever really find it….and so the position has been denigrated to nothing more than a name.
So here I am left wondering. Was there ever really a family that was meant to be mine? Some of my earliest memories are of you, my love. Even as a child, when my head was finally laid to rest, it was YOU that roamed my universe. As a teen I felt you calling me but was still too young to understand and so I did the best I could to try and find you by marrying those I found that had traces of you. As an adult I began to understand the calling, and my dreams were filled with you. The nights became a pleasure as my consciousness gave way and allowed me to finally see you. And all those lonely nights, that I cried myself to sleep, it was the calling that sustained me, that kept telling me not to lose hope….that there will be another! SO LONG I waited and prayed, until I had finally begun to believe that it was all contrived. There was no one else. It was all the machinations of a creature that saw things in vivid hues of pinks and greens, vibrant blues and reds or the blackest night to ever descend upon the universe; it was never the grey in between. And just about the time I had given in to the continual floggings that told my soul that is was senseless to hope any longer…..you appeared….and picked up what was left of this creation and began the process of restoring her to her rightful place. What a task you have at hand, my love!
And so I find myself with so many questions. Why have I always been able to heal others and never myself? What will happen to me now? Will time befriend me just this once, before she comes to claim what is rightfully hers. And why has He always left me to be alone? Have I not accepted it with kindness and dignity? Have I not embraced it enough? And if it is meant for me to always be so, will He give me the strength to endure it gracefully?
Family. Will I once again discover a new definition? My precious V, you have been my friend, my mentor, my savior and creator. You have walked beside me and carried me and leaned on me and have flown with me. You are my husband, my lover, my partner, my master. Will you be my family?
I love you……D
