It is not very often that you and I are apart long enough that we have the opportunity to do something without the others’ knowledge. There were many things that I debated doing with my time…and they were all quite worthy endeavors, but finally I decided I would take a few moments to write to you, my prince. I know it is something I used to do all the time…and now that we are together every day, we think that those things are no longer needed. And that is true. There are so many other ways that we show our love to one another. But sometimes I think it is good for us to go back and revisit those times we shared before we were allowed to once again be as one. Working with the poses on the luggage brought back so many memories and feelings of a time NOT so long ago. A time of fear and uncertainty…a time of hope and love. And so…here it is….an entry into the TD. A “secret” to share…. through the eyes of “El”. I hope you enjoy it love….

For months she had wrestled with this. It was something that she KNEW had to be done…and even felt like it should be, in some respects, a time of joy for her. But from the first moment she heard of it, it had done nothing but leave a “rumbling” in her gut…and the sheer thought of it made her nauseous. It was unavoidable…and she knew it would happen sooner or later…she would HAVE to return “home”…and she knew…although she tried to fight it with everything within her, that she would have to go alone. This was one demon that he could not fight for her. And in many ways, he could not even fight it with her. The only thing he could do would be to hope that the love and tender care that he had lavished on her for the last few months would be enough to get her through it. She herself hoped that she had healed to the point that she could “handle” it and come back to him in one piece. The last few months that she had been made to deal with the fact that she would HAVE to be without him for several weeks had in and of itself almost injured her. How….HOW could she do this without him?

Never the less….the time came. She tried to put on a brave face, but she knew that he KNEW her, he could FEEL her…he WAS her…and there was no running away from it. She had almost hoped that he would just drop her off at the door of the airport and leave her there after an appropriate amount of hugging and kissing, leaving her, so that she could cry all the way to the plane. But she knew that he would never do that. And he didn’t. He was SO careful with her. She could feel it in his voice. The way he spoke to her…the way he touched her, guided her. He too was hurting.

The airport felt twice as large as it had the first time she had been there. But that was such a joyful time. The FIRST time she saw him face to face….the FIRST time she touched him….the FIRST time she kissed him in the elevator. Such HAPPY memories. And she tried to flood her mind with those as they walked what felt like MILES through the airport. And yet with every step she knew that it was just bringing her one step closer to having to say those words that she dreaded with all her heart…”Good bye”

She watched each sign that they passed and knew that it was coming closer and closer and all the time she wondered…would he kiss her….I mean REALLY kiss her? He was not one known for great public displays of affection, but he was not known to be against them. He was with them as he was with most things in his life, if the life and times called for it, then so be it. But if not, then no biggie…nothing lost…nothing to be concerned or worried about. And so she wondered. It was as though it became ALL she could think of. She WANTED to kiss him….she WANTED to hold him tight and NEVER let him go. She WANTED IT. But she would never ask for it. She would never expect it. And she had prepared herself not to be wounded if he chose not to do it here at the airport. She KNEW that he loved her. That was never a question.

When they finally reached the gate she looked at him…and try as she may, she could feel the tears starting to rise in her eyes. This was it. There was no turning back now. “It was something she HAD to do. And she COULD do it”…she kept telling herself over and over. She sat her bags down and let herself fall into his arms. She fit so well there. Her head fit just perfectly onto his shoulder. Her shoulder just under the arc of his arm, allowing him to wrap it fully around her and draw her into him, the same way they had done for centuries. There was no where else in the world that she would rather be, NO where in the world felt safer. And she knew that if one day, for some unforeseen reason that they should have to face some catastrophe together that would surely take their lives, that this would be it. This would be the last place on this earth that she would ever want to be…in his arms. He held her for a long time and she could feel the tears start to fall down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure she could let him go. She did not know if she could walk past that gate and get on that plane and fly out of his world, just as she had flown into it a few months earlier.

He let her cry for a few moments and she reached up to dry her tears with one of the many kleenex that she had already soaked through, when he pulled her back gently, lifted her mouth to his and gently and sweetly kissed her. She felt as though her heart would stop at that very moment. And if it had, she would have died a happy woman. He reached up and gently caressed her face the way he always had at home, rubbing the side of her cheek gently, before lifting her lips to his again, tenderly parting them with his tongue. Kissing her the way a man does a woman that he loves with all his heart. She could no longer hear the noise in the airport. There was no loud overhead announcements, no screaming children, no sounds of cash registers opening and closing…nothing. She could smell the sweet smell of his aftershave. She could hear the sound of his leather jacket as his arm moved her to and fro in a lovers embrace. She felt his soft tongue against hers as she tasted him once more and allowed her quivering body to draw in a deep breath, drawing him into her as deeply as she possibly could. When their lips parted, and the two individuals that had for a brief moment in time been united as one in the lobby of that huge airport, were once again separate, she laid her head against his chest and sobbed.

He ran his hand through her soft hair gently caressing her head, until she finally composed herself and made a feeble attempt at drying her eyes. She looked up at him, thinking to herself what a MESS she must look. And he ran his hand along the side of her cheek “It won’t be long, love. You will be home soon…I love you.” She looked up at him nodding, trying to PRETEND she was brave. “I know. I know. I love you too, baby”she choked through her cracked voice and bleary eyes. He waited a moment before he ever so gently guided her in the direction she should go to pass through the last gate. She was almost looking forward to it. Maybe she could show them her ID one last time and then run past that wall that would separate her from her lover for what seemed like forever!

“Good bye, love” she said trying to put a smile on her face. “Good bye.” he said, much the way he would if he were saying it to a client on the phone. And with that she felt him leave her side and she turned her back to him and walked away to the last person to check her ID. She gave it to them and truly felt as though she were going to throw up. She could feel her body start to tremble and she wondered if she would have the strength to walk past those walls. But once the ID was placed back in her hand she took off and TRIED to look strong and confident, hoping that he could see that she was alright….IF he was still looking. “He SHOULD be gone by now”she thought as she looked at the wall…the WALL….just keep your eyes on the wall and once you are on the other side of the wall it won’t matter. He won’t be able to see you. He won’t be able to help you. He will be long gone. And you can cry to your hearts content and it won’t matter. There is nothing that can be done.

She focused on that white wall just walking almost aimlessly towards it, but just as she got to the exit, she noticed one LAST “guard” that she must show her ID to. There were two of them sitting in the cubicle and they did not speak much english. They never smiled, never really looked you in the eye. They looked harsh and unforgiving. She immediately felt alone and vulnerable and almost without thinking she looked to the last place that had given her comfort.

As soon as she had done it she wished that she had not, but there…in the corner of her vision, almost out of sight, stood the familiar figure that had changed her life and captured her heart just a few months before. She could see him watching her…and knew that he would have NEVER left until he was completely sure that she had made it safely on the other side of the wall, out of his reach. She felt the passport being shoved back into her hand and heard the guard motion for her to move through the exit. She stood there for a moment her entire body trembling. She truly was not sure if she could go through there…and she knew all she would have to do was turn around and he would be there. He would be waiting for her. GOD…..how badly she wanted to do that. Just to run back into the safety of his arms once again. But she did not DARE look back. It would strike down every last ounce of resolve that she had. And so she took the passport, stowed it away for safe keeping and taking a deep breath she took the first step that led her through the exit and through to the other side.

She knew once she was past the wall, she could break down, she could cry, she could fall to the floor, she could do anything she pleased and he would not be there to see how weak and pathetic she was. But a funny thing happened. With each step she took, she could hear his voice grow clearer and louder “It won’t be long, love. You will be home soon. I love you.” And she knew that was all she needed. She knew that she would hear those words every moment of every day that they were separated until she would be safe in his arms once again.

I sat here today and watched a live performance of Muse playing this song at a concert in Germany.  I don’t know if I have told you, love…but it is my favorite song that they sing…and every time I hear it, it reminds me of you….well…of us…and the time we were at the diner.

We have so many wonderful memories together, both in our virtual worlds….and our real world…and even the memories we share of other lifetimes.  I feel SO fortunate to have been found and claimed by you, love.  The longer I am away from you, the more I know that every moment of my life was meant to bring us together.  I am SO incredibly happy with you.  There is nothing else in my life that I will ever need.

I am so pleased that you know me like I do.  Sometimes when I read your emails to me each morning I just have to smile, because you know me so well.  And then I remember who you are….who *I* am and who we are together.  And so I wait, love….9 days and counting…until I will be home and have you hold me in your

arms once again.

Until then, love….

STARLIGHT by Muse

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from my memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

The starlight
I will be chasing your starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations
And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away

And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations, yeah
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold

*Please note…this is not the “traditional” TD. Normally the TD is filled with love letters to my precious V. The TD has gotten SO much harder to write as I sit next to him everyday and am able to whisper in his ear those things that I could only write before…so on that note….my precious V, I love you more than my own life. You mean the world to me. You are everything I have ever hoped for, ever dreamed of, and/or ever wanted. I am looking forward to MANY more wonderful Valentine’s days with you, my prince!

But this “TD” I will have to dedicate to all the mothers out there…those with small children that run them ragged and those with grown children that long for that time once again…to ALL the mother’s….HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!

It had started off as an early day for her. She had gotten far too used to sleeping later than she should anyway. At least that is what she had told herself. It had been hard to sleep the night before. She had found that as of late, sleep eluded her the night before a big event. “Big event” in her new world usually meant going to the doctor or the dentist the next day. Sometimes it would include a “special day” like the birthday of one she loved or thoughts of her upcoming trip back “home”. Last night her special event had been the knowledge that tomorrow was her favorite day of the year…Valentine’s Day.

She had hurriedly tried to piece together some things that she had wanted to make for her love…things that were in her heart and mind but had never made it to fruition. She loved Valentine’s Day even more than her birthday….even more than Christmas. It was by far her FAVORITE day of the whole year…and she could not even tell you why. Perhaps it was all the pink and red and white everywhere…a nice change from all the dreary colors of winter. Maybe it was the fact that the day was associated with chocolates and flowers…two of her favorite things. Maybe more than anything else was the fact that it centered around love…and not just any kind of love…but especially the love that one person has for that special someone in their life. She was not really sure just WHY it thrilled her so, but it did. And tomorrow was the “big day”.

She had tried not to get her hopes up too high. She knew that this day would be different from most that she had experienced in the past. Things in her knew home were not as commercialized as they had been where she came from and she really did not know quite what to expect, but she knew it would be different.

The first thing she had done was to get up and check her phone messages. She was not sure just what she thought she would find there. She DID live a LIFETIME away from her kids, after all. They were far from “kids” anymore. But they would always be her babies. Of course, there were no phone messages from them. It was not even morning there yet….perhaps later? “And besides” she told herself “they would and SHOULD be greeting their spouses with whispers of love and commitment…NOT their Mother!” She had seen pictures of the presents some of her children had bought for their loved ones online…and she felt secure that they were at a “good place” with their loved ones. But still…they had usually bought her flowers in the past. And she had to admit…she had gotten used to it. She had hoped at the very least that they would think to send her a text message. “Maybe later….yes, that is it….later”

She got up from the bed and tried to fight back the feelings of disappointment. She had KNOWN they would come…and yet all the knowing in the world could not stop them or make them hurt any less. Breakfast was hurried, as she had expected it to be. Mondays were always that way…and she dreaded each one, knowing that she would be separated from her love as he went on his way to work. It was not like he was gone long…and it was not as though he was gone EVERYDAY, but nonetheless…each moment away from him seemed like an eternity.

Her new life with him included time with his children. They were MUCH younger than hers…and time with them usually meant trying to remember mothering skills that had long since been packed away. She had managed to bluff her way through most things…and had gotten along fairly well with all of them, with the exception of the oldest.

The oldest was a beautiful, tall, willowy 6 year old, with the stubbornness and intelligence of her father, two things that she LOVED about her partner, but found formidable in a 6 year old. Today she would have to walk to the bus stop and pick her up from school. It was not a far walk at all, but the weather was slightly windy and the chill of winter was still in the air, making it a “brisk” walk to say the least.

She took off to the bus stop and tried to think of other things than what day it was…and how different her life was now. Some of it was different just in the fact that all her children were grown and had “flown the coop” leaving her with a tad bit of “empty nest syndrome”. The rest was different in that she had started a new life…a new love…halfway across the world. Sometimes the two COULD combine to make for some difficult times, such was today. “La la la la…think of ANYTHING El….think of happy thoughts…think of the recent hurricanes in Australia…think of the hardships in Haiti…think of new and FUN things to create…think of ANYTHING but the fact that it is Valentine’s Day in a new world……ANYTHING!

The wind hit her face like a knife as she rounded the corner and started down the hill. She tried to concentrate on how that felt…on how cold it was…on the mist in the hills…..anything. She had arrived a tad bit too early and had to wait a while for the bus, making it all the harder to think of other things. She looked around and noticed the shapes of trees and bushes that she had never seen in her native home. She reached out and touched them, noticing the buds that were trying to form and she hoped that they would not die an early death with a late freeze.

Across from her she noticed one of the neighbors that had 2 small children. She had come to pick her oldest up from the bus stop and had the little one bundled up in 10 inches of swaddling, much needed to be outside. She watched from a distance as the mother played with the infant…and remembered….trying not to think of the phone with no messages that sat idle in her pocket. She wondered if someday that mother would also feel the sting of knowing that her children had outgrown her, the stinging of the wind against her face almost a physical representation of her pain. She thought about going over to sit with the young mother, maybe strike up some friendly conversation….and then she remembered…the mother spoke something that she had not yet learned to speak. So she just looked away, turning her gaze to the beautiful green hillside, mist floating gingerly on top of it.

It was so quiet there that she could hear the bus coming for quite some distance. She watched as it pulled up across the street from where she was at. She was on the wrong side of the street…of course. She waited a moment to see if the tall, willowy figure of a young girl would make its way around the bus towards her, but none came. She started across the street and noticed the young girl looking around and talking to the young mother, as she realized that her charge had felt “abandoned” by her absence. She hurriedly made her way to her, smiling at the young mother…as if to say “Don’t worry…I have done this before…I am not TOTALLY inept”. And the young mom smiled back and walked away with her own bundles of love.

She looked down at the 6 year old entrusted to her care and took off up the hill. “BYE!” the 56year old merrily called out to her playmate as we began the trek back home. “Oh…..El”….she said as she stopped and fumbled around in her large bag, pulling out something red and rolled up like a scroll. “Happy Valentine’s Day” she said in a language that El had not yet learned, but knew enough to know what that meant. “For me?????” El asked, incredulously. “Yes!”….the 6 year old nodded. El unwrapped the red “scroll” and recognized the familiar shape of a heart. Inside the heart was the name of the 6 year old, written in some of the best 6 year old scrawl she had seen in a long time….along with a hand drawn vase with flowers…and a couple of white feathers pasted on, for good measure.

She could not help but feel her hands tremble a bit as she lovingly rolled it back up and placed it in her pocket for safe keeping, trying to hide the tears she felt welling up in her eyes. It was going to be okay. She had gotten her flowers after all. She had received her card. She had found love on Valentine’s Day in the one place she would have never looked.

The wind still blew as they started up the hill, but El didn’t notice. Nothing had really changed…and yet everything had changed. It was magical…it was special…it was love…it was….Valentine’s Day!

And so here we are…the last day of the year. What a year it has been, no? It has been full of twists and turns….so much has happened. It seems like an eternity…and yet like just yesterday. I looked back at the logs trying to see the way things “felt” a year ago…and some of them were hard to follow. It appears that even then we had started to use skype more than we did SL…and so our conversations are kind of choppy and disconnected…because as usual…I was typing…and you were talking!

I remember feeling so alone a year ago. My life had been turned upside down and I felt like I was completely shaken….everything I had ever known had been done away with…changed…or at the very least questioned. I did not know if I would ever fully recover and I remember feeling like I would have to make a new life…on my own…alone….not unlike many other women I have known. But still, a prospect to which I was not looking forward. It was quite overwhelming; almost more than I could handle at the time.

I did not know that I would be here only a year later. I knew that you would always love me…of that I was always sure. And I knew that I would always love you. I did not know if we would ever have more than what we had at that moment…but I knew that even with just that…it was still more than what most people had in an entire lifetime. And so I had reconciled myself to be happy with what I had…and to love….against all odds…the only way possible at the time.

I sit here now…just a few feet from you as I type this. I can hear you quietly moving around…typing and clicking away. If I stop and think about it, I can still remember what you smelled like as I buried my head in your chest just a few moments ago. I can still feel the softness of your lips against mine, your large hands and long arms wrapped around my body holding me tight. ALL of these…things that I thought we would never have…never experience in a real world. I had resigned myself to loving in a virtual world…and to find a way to be happy and fulfilled with that. And here I am, having ALL the things I longed for the most. So why is it that at times that it almost seems harder? I seem to have SO much trouble expressing myself with verbal words and statements…and I feel silly when I sit here and type all the things that I KNOW I should be SAYING to you.

Honestly, I do not know if it will ever get any easier for me. I always considered myself to be someone who had no trouble communicating my thoughts and feelings. And so now, I have to stop and ask myself if it was always this way…or if the things that have happened to me in the last 30 years of my life somehow changed that. Did I learn how to hide my true feelings and desires in an attempt to make things better or to be someone that I was not? I don’t know. I know that you want me to be able to TELL you all the things that are deep inside me…and I desperately want to…but I just cannot seem to find the words or the way to say it so that it makes sense. I feel like anytime I try…the words just come out all wrong and I just end up making the BIGGEST mess of things. You may have to be patient with me a while still, love. Can you give me that? I NEED to be able to “talk” to you in a place that is safe and easy for me…and for now, that may still be in a world away from the real world that we now share. I will try to do better…and I hope as time passes that I will learn how to be ME in every world that I inhabit. It has just been so long, love….SO long…..Please don’t think that the efforts that you make to draw me out…or to comfort me are for naught. I HEAR the things you say to me. Every time you call me “El”…I hear it…I remember it. And it helps me to put things in perspective. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and of who and what we are. Please…don’t stop. It is the ONE thing that I can put my finger on…it is sometimes the ONLY thing I hear inside my head. Sometimes…it is the ONLY things that makes sense. Please remember that I NEED that. It helps me to heal.

SO…as this year draws to an end, the main things that I wish to tell you are the same that I have been saying for quite some time now.

I LOVE YOU. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in all my life. I love you with a love that will not be quieted. I love you with a want and a need that courses through ever fiber of my being. When my head hits my pillow at night, it is YOUR face I see…and when I awaken it is your arms that I long for. It is the love that I have always wanted to give. It is the one thing for which I was created. I hope I can do it justice.

PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME.  I am so grateful that you are a patient man by nature.  I am also grateful that you have a natural tendency to see things as they CAN be…as well as what they are at the moment.  I am changing and growing in ways that I did not know I could still do.  There are many, many things that are still new to me…on a DAILY basis.  I am trying to assimilate it all.  I am trying to change.  I am trying to learn.  I want to understand it all.  But sometimes I do not do a very good job of it.  Sometimes I do not understand WHY things are the way they are…or WHY they need to change.  Sometimes I am just not capable yet of being what I know I need to be.  I have not given up.  I simply can only handle SO much at one time.  So if you see me quiet…or alone at times…it may just be that I need that time to recoup.  I need a moment or two to take another breath and say “OK…let’s try this again….or lets do this differently”  I am not trying to be difficult.  I am not giving up.  I am not diving into a sinkhole.  I am simply resting for a moment.  I will be ok.  Just hold me tight…remind me of who I am…and let me know that you appreciate my attempts…even when I fail at them…and I will be able to go on and adjust and grow as needed.

I LOVE MY LIFE WITH YOU…in ANY world. It is sometimes a difficult one. It is not always the way I would want it to be. But it is a life that I would never willingly leave or change. I am sometimes still figuring it out, trying to figure out where I fit in all of it. But it is a good life. I am happy. I am well cared for. I am loved in more ways than I ever imagined. I am secure and I am safe. Thank you, love for giving me all these things…it is OUR life. It is a life that we CHOOSE to keep living over and over again so that we can be together. We were not meant to be alone. Sometimes I find it odd to think of what loners we are. We are both perfectly content to let the outside world go on without us, and yet…we NEED one another. I never want to be without you love….ever or anywhere.

SO…as I look forward to the next year…I look forward to great adventures with you, my prince. I love to see the twinkle in your eyes and the excitement in your voice as you talk about pioneering new worlds. My dreams are often spent in new adventures with you. I will be there with you, love. Where ever you go…whatever you do. I was truly created to be your partner. I was made to be at your side. I am excited to see where this next year will lead us…and for what the future holds for us.

You are now…and will always be…my one great love…immer…..D

She wondered if he really had any idea how much she loved him? She would like to think so. She often thought that if there were anyone in the entire world that understood her…COMPLETELY understood her it was him…and yet…did he really know? She tried to tell him often how much she cared….probably too much. She never meant to cheapen it by saying it too often. Each and every time she said it, it was because it was true…but he knew her…and he knew that each time she said it, it had been triggered by something…some thought or memory that had floated through her mind. But she could not help it even now….every time she REALLY stopped to think of it, she had to cry. And she knew he hated to see her cry. He would always try to console her. Even when he was mad at her, she could see the struggle in his heart. He wanted to stop whatever he was doing or saying and hold her. He never wanted to hurt her and if she was hurting he generally did everything within his power to try to “fix” it. And so, she knew when he saw her cry it was always disconcerting for him. But these were not the tears born from the pain of hurt, but the pain of love. She did not understand it. She did not know WHY it hurt to love him so, but it did. When she stopped to think of all they had been through to get where they were today, there was nothing else she could do but cry. There was NOTHING that she would not sacrifice or give up for him. She knew that she could feel that…she could say that…she could do that comfortably and easily, because there was nothing that he would ask of her that she could NOT give.

She hated that he had seen her in her most vulnerable state. It was the one thing she had hoped he would never see. She thought that perhaps someday it would be gone, that it would be healed and she would be whole. She had wanted it to be healed before he would ever have a chance to see it…but she was wrong. She hated it. She knew that it made her vulnerable and often left her confused. And although it had seemed to be lighter, it was still a heavy load to carry. There were times she wondered if it had truly gotten lighter or if she had simply forgotten how heavy it could really get. She knew that it had been eased by the knowledge of his love, but she also knew that she would have to face it…by herself…in the weeks to come. And the thought of that alone was enough to send a shiver down her spine. She tried not to think of it too much, but it seemed that it took up more and more of her time here of late. She knew she would have to be strong…but what if she was not strong enough? It was easy here in the arms of his embrace, to battle those demons, but what would she do when she was alone, separated from him? What would she do when she would have to go back to the place where it all began? How would she be able to keep a clear picture of things when there is no black and white and ALL there is the grey in between? Things get mixed and muddled and confused. It was only his love and the threat of her life that made it clear enough before. And even then it was hard. What would she do now when she would be gone from him…with no way to really keep in touch with him?

She would have to remember. She would have to feel him…as she had SO many times before. Except this time, it would be with the knowledge that he IS real, he IS her love and NOTHING had been able to come between them before. It would not do so now. She would have to remember the touch of his lips against hers, the feel of the back of his hand across her cheek. She would have to remember the smell of him fresh from the shower and the feel of his hair against her face. She would have to remember the way he looked as he slept peacefully next to her and the soft rhythmic sound of his breathing…the only thing that had been able to calm her. She could still hear it inside her head, it had been burned there forever. And she had no doubt that when things got rough or she was alone or afraid, she still be able to hear it…and feel him…and be calmed by it.

She would have to remember WHO she was and WHO’S she was. As of THIS DAY forward, no other man on this earth had any claim to her. She was free at last, to be totally, completely, his. It was the way she was born, it was the way she would die. NO ONE else could ever lay claim to her. This year would end the way it should be. And the new one would begin the way it should have always been….with them navigating through times and worlds and uncharted territories…together.

I am forever yours, my love….immer…D

It seems like years ago that you first took me on “The shores of night” and made me yours. I can remember the feeling of it all…SO new…SO wonderful…SOOO exciting. I really was clueless. I really had NO idea where it all would lead us…sometimes I wonder if you knew? You have always been so much more sure of things than I have been. Perhaps that is your nature? But not long after that you took me to Jenner and showed me everything that was yours…everything that was OURS now. Our new home, our new surroundings…Aerial…and I remember feeling like the little pauper that had woken up to find herself married to a great king and wondering how in the world it had happened?

There has seldom been a day since, that you have not surprised me in some way. I still keep feeling like I will wake up from the dream only to find that I am alone…and my life has returned to the way it was before I met you. But that is the whole point isn’t it? This dream is not one from which I will awaken. THIS is the dream I was meant to live…the boundaries between “real” and “unreal” forever blurred….insignificant. After having read “The Sandman” I think I understand a little better what it must be like to really LIVE in the Dreaming. It somehow makes things a little easier for me to understand….seems to make a little more sense of all we have seen and done…been…and continue to be.

I was still fairly young in SL. There was so much I did not know about groups and land and how it all worked. I knew that I had been in some groups…and that you were given a title when you joined one, but I had never stopped to think about how those titles were decided upon…who made them…who bestowed them. I first remember seeing “The Architects of Sleep” and thinking what an odd name it was for a group. Was it for people that liked to sleep a lot? Was it for people that tried to interpret dreams. Or was it just another fancy name for some poet/story writers group? I read the given description of the group…and had seen my friend wear the title, but still had no clue as to what it was really all about. I remember joining the group just so I could have rights to all the things on the property she inhabited…and I received the “traditional” group title. Little did I know that within a month I would be partnered to the group owner, be an officer of the group and have a new title…”The Sleep”. I remember how proud I felt when I first wore it. I had no idea what it really meant…but it was different from all the rest…it was special…it was mine and I loved it! (Images of Thor run thru my head!) And when TAOS was disbanded, I remember feeling the great loss of no longer being “The Sleep”. It was almost as if I had changed somehow. It was SO painful for me. It felt like part of ME was missing. And I did not know what to do to regain it!

And so…you can imagine the great pleasure I felt when once again…things were righted…and I could be “The Sleep”. But I am not sure, that until now…I understood what that really meant. What would it mean to be “the Sleep” of the “Architect of Sleep”? What would it mean to be “The sleep” of the one that made and created the Dreaming? Well, if I understand it correctly, sleep would be the vehicle that he would need to make all things work. Without it, everything would be for naught. There would be no need for his existence. Nothing would really matter. He and everything he had ever made would be worthless.

What would it mean to be “the sleep” of the great dreamweaver? It never talks of HIM sleeping. You often see him IN other peoples dreams, walking through their slumber. But I have to wonder…did HE sleep? I would like to think…that on occasion, he did. And of course, “The Sleep” would be of his own making, as was most everything else in his realm. Was it pleasurable? Would it bring him rest and comfort? It would have to be made to suit him perfectly. It would be different from any other sleep. It would provide him with all he needed to fulfill his responsibilities. Perhaps it was a little bit OF him…no matter what it was…or how different it was…it was perfect…for him.

What would it mean to be the sleep of the mighty Dream King? I can think of no greater, no more intimate relationship. I will forever be grateful for the title and hope that I can do it justice. I hope that I will FOREVER and ALWAYS be your “sleep” my dear prince. May I always be the love you sought and the peace of your sleep…

Immer…mein Liebster….D

My most precious husband,

It feel so good to be able to write you and let you know how much I love you. It seems that all our time …well..all our “spare” time is spent together and so I seldom have an opportunity to write to you…and it is SO hard for me to say all the things that are rolling around inside my head.

For some reason I keep thinking of the other morning when we were in the kitchen….just holding each other…you in your suit. You look SO handsome in your suit. And I could feel you close to me, holding me…as I run my hands through your hair. I can still remember the way it felt as my fingertips ran across it. I can still smell your cologne as I buried my nose in your neck. And I still remember the way your soft lips felt on mine as your tongue gently parted my lips….allowing me to taste you…and breath you in. I was truly enraptured in that moment…barely able to breath…thinking that “I must be in heaven”!

You will never know how much those moments mean to me, love. Even tonight when the lights went out…and you came over and gently took my head in your hands to tenderly kiss me….those things are burned into my memory forever. The way you look at me when I tell you that YES…I am happy…and I can see your eyes look deep into mine and know that it is good.

I wish that you did not have to work so hard for us to have a good life. I wish that you did not have to take on the burdens of those you have to work with…and as tough as you try to be…I KNOW that it bothers you sometimes….I wish that I did not struggle with my health. I wish that EVERY day I was healthy and pain free. There are many things that I wish were different and that could be changed. But I am SOOOOO grateful for every moment that we have together. I am grateful for the life we have. I am thankful for each cup of coffee that we have together. I am blessed. I am blessed…and I am happy.

May we have many, many more happy days of Twin Peaks and zombie killing together…immer, love….immer.

Your beloved wife…..D

My precious husband,

I am hoping that these words will find you in a much better state than when I last spoke with you. I so DESPERATELY wish that there was something…ANYTHING that I could do to make you feel better. I know it must be frustrating for you, as you kind of feel the same way…wishing that there was something…ANYTHING that you could do to make it better…and yet, no matter how much you bang your head against the wall, you keep coming up with the same answers.

I can only HOPE that it helps in some small way to have someone to talk to about it. I feel foolish asking you questions about things that make no sense to you. It is just that it is the ONLY frame of reference I have…I can only try to make sense of it from the things that I know and grew up with…and I am finding out more and more everyday…that what I grew up with and know to be true…in most cases is TOTALLY different from what you did!  And that sometimes makes it hard to know how to have an intelligent conversation with you about some things!

But there is one thing I know…that when I look into your eyes…I can see the present, the future and the past.   It is so funny…it reminds me of a scene in a movie where the main character has his/her entire life flash before his/her eyes in a couple of seconds.   That is often how it is with me…I see pieces of things…many lifetimes ago….over and over…but always those eyes.   And as I look at them and watch them look back at me, I cannot help but wonder what is going on inside that head of yours….what I would give to know! And then all I can seem to do is just look at you and utter silliness as my mind is taken to other times and other places.   I watch you struggle with the things you are faced with and I cannot help but think “How did you end up here?”  How did EITHER of us end up here?  Sometimes I feel like we both are TOTALLY displaced!   Neither of us are in a place that we were created for.   I am not sure what that place is…but it seems like it is NOT here.

After you went to bed, I looked through some of the things we used to send to one another and I came across this, dated 12-22-08:

“He had told her once that their cravings were normal for newlyweds and yet she knew herself well enough to know that it was no temporary infatuation. She loved him and from that love she would eternally want him. It was no temporary state that would lessen with time, it was her love that drove her and she knew without a doubt, that she could look at him 10 years from now and still find him just as attractive and desirable as she did today.

She listened again to the song he had shared with her, telling her that it had reminded him of her, and she was still amazed. She could not understand WHY he would love her so. There were SO many others, prettier, younger, more talented. Ones that were not so burdened with all of her insecurities and the problems that plagued her and had crossed over into the dreaming. She felt as though she had SO little to offer him….and yet he loved her still, cared for her…and yes….even worried about her. She had long ago quit hoping for someone that would love her like that…and yet…here he was. THE man that had visited her so many times in the past, leaving hints and hopes of their future together, waiting for just the right time that they could finally be united.

And so she waited, waited for the time that they could once again be together and she could give the only thing she truly possessed to him…..herself. There were few things that she knew these days, but she knew how to love, and love him she did….and all she could do, was pray that her love….would be enough.”

I can only hope, love…that it IS enough. I sit back and watch all the MANY things you do for me. I see all the ways you take care of me and try to get everything I need and want. I watch you worry for me when I do not feel well and see the many times you check on me to make sure I am ok. I LOVE the way you cover me up and make sure I am warm. And yet…what is I it that I do for you, love? I worry that I cannot do enough to show you how much I love you. I can only hope that you can see it in my eyes and feel it in my touch, my precious love.

The Sun Will Always Rise

by Heather Nova

Hey don’t cry, the night is almost through

And I’ll be here to hold and comfort you

Sometimes you’ll look out on dark and stormy skies

But darling remember the sun will always rise

And bring the light, and bring the light

Life will take you through many endless nights

And you may struggle with pain and loss sometimes

But as long as you are humble

And you stay true inside

Come what may the sun will always rise

And bring the light, and bring the light

Mountains will make it harder

Dark clouds will make you doubt

But you’ll get through

And when I can’t be with you

This ray of hope I give to you

So hey don’t cry, the night is almost through

And I’ll be here to hold and comfort you

Though sometimes you’ll look out on dark and stormy skies

darling remember, the sun will always rise

And bring the light, and bring the light

May I always be there to hold and comfort you, love and in the morning…may I always be your light.

Immer….D

Good morning, love! It feels good to be able to write you and know that you will read it first thing in the morning! Although I worry about you working like that! You KNOW it concerns me! One of these days you will wake up and be OLD…and then you will wish you had not driven yourself so hard!

Have I told you lately, how much I love you? You mean the world to me, love! I am SO grateful to have this time with you. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be here at this time in my life. I had to look back at the logs and see just where I WAS a year ago today…funny thing is…I remember this scene SOOOO vividly…just like it was yesterday. I have written about being claimed before…and of course, it was in a virtual sense. Well….here I am. I am here. I am with you. Will you claim me now? You STILL have my permission…

[2009/10/01 11:55] El: Where to, my dear husband?

V smiles.

V: Hmmm. Do you have an idea?

El: Jenner???

V: Mmh, okay.

El: Hello my prince!

V kisses her softly.

V: Welcome home, my lovely wife.

El: It is SO pretty here in the evening!

V: Yes, very!

V kisses her softly.

El: Should we lay down?

V: Like taking a bath?

El: YES!

V laughs. Okay. You made this so beautiful.

El smiles… taking off her outer shirt

V takes her gently in his arms…

El: mmm

V: …placing his lips on hers…softly…touching them…arching her slightly back…

El slips her top off…looking at him.

V: God, you are beautiful.

El smiles… She reaches down and slips off her shoes

V watches her undress…

El looks at him smiling as she starts to unbutton her pants… slowly … slipping them down her hips… letting them fall to the floor.

V: Uhh.

El smiles

V watches her…finding his mark on her hips…smiling…kissing her again…

El kisses him softly, whispering

El: Yes V… I AM yours.

V smiles.

El: You have marked me!

V: You’re not my possession, though. It’s just…nice…to see it.

El kisses his ear.

El: I have no problem being your possession, love.  No one has ever wanted to possess me before.

V smiles.

El: Please don’t deny me that.

El kisses him.

V: You’re right.  I just believe that…

El helps him take his shirt off.

V: ….everyone belongs to themselves…and…nobody can CLAIM anyone…whatever…we do, we do willingly..because we want to….

El: May I…give you permission to claim me?

V smiles.

V: Do you offer yourself completely?

El: COMPLETELY!

V: Fully and without restrictions?

El: TOTALLY…Wholly…NO restrictions.

V: Then I claim you as mine.

El kisses him passionately.

V holds her tight.

El: I AM yours V..ALL of me!

V smiles.

V: You are right.

El feels the fire warming her bare skin… her face starting to flush.

V: And I WANT that.  I WANT it to be like that.

El: It is what I want to!  Please don’t deny me that, love!

V: I don’t.

El kisses him.

V: I just want you to do it of your own will.

V: Free…and strong.

El looks at him in the eyes.

El: I give myself to YOU… free..and of my own will.

El kneels before him.

El: I am yours.

V: I take you as mine.

El looks up to him imploring.

V: For the truth…the beauty…and the equal.

It is amazing, love…how much a year can change things…and yet how they remain the same. I know in our “virtual lives” we said and did many things…and while I do not look like El…and there may be some things that I cannot do that she does…there was NOTHING that she said or shared that I did not mean. I am often surprised at how many people think that what we had in SL was/is just so much BS. But it was NOT and IS not BS to me, love.  Every word was true and correct…and meant. I GLADLY offer myself to you…to be yours…to be claimed…if you will have me…for as long as I live, love…and beyond.

Immer…D

My precious husband,

There seem to be SO many things going on right now that it is sometimes hard for me to keep track of them!  SOOOO much to learn…and see…and do!  There are many things that go on that are much to personal to share here…and yet they need to be shared…and since I do SOOOO poorly at telling you what is going on inside me, I fear there may be times that I will need to write a “personal TD”.  I hope there will not be too many of those times, but today is one of them…and so…you may check your email for your first “PTD”….<giggles>

I hope you know how much I love you…and how much you mean to me.  Please know…that every word….every gesture is not wasted.  I will never forget standing in the garden pathway in the dark, enveloped in your arms, your coat around me…as I lay my head on your chest and listen to you tell me how much you love me.  I will always remember you looking at me from the sofa and thanking me for loving you the only way I can…the only way that feels right.  And I will never forget you looking at me, with no makeup, my hair still wet, in my old robe and gown and telling me how beautiful I am.

I HEAR you, love….please…never stop talking to me.  I NEED those things.  And even though I may not say a word about them at the time…they are ALL gently tucked away inside me…and they grow there.

I am eternally yours, love……D